Were You Born In A Barn?
Our son was constantly wandering in and out of the house, leaving the
front or back door wide open.
"Once and for all, will you PLEASE close that door!" my exasperated
wife pleaded one day. "Were you born in a barn?"
"No, I was born in a hospital," he replied, smirking, "...with
automatic doors."
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"Wedding Album"
At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead...
As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"
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Oneliner
"Dogs lick you because they love you - cats lick you because you had chicken for dinner."
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CleanPun - "Contributions"
The newspaper where I worked had just announced that when its new building was completed, the old one would be donated to the United Way.
A few days later, someone came into our office soliciting contributions to that same organization.
"I'm sorry," one reporter quipped. "We gave the office."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm looking for a place to stay for the weekend because my
wife kicked me out. For some reason she's mad at me.
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept
hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I
always had something else to take care of first: the truck,
the car, fishing, golfing, watching TV. You know, important
things.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went
into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I
handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the
grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."
After that she just lost it and kicked me out! Can you
believe that?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On The Beach
Little Johnny was walking down the beach, and as he did so, he saw a
matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand.
He walked up to her and asked, "Do you go to church every week?"
"Yes." she replied.
"Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she answered, "Yes."
"Do you know the Ten Commandments?"
"Yes, I do." she answered, with a smile.
"Do you keep them all?" Johnny asked.
She nodded her head, "Yes, I do." she said.
With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold my dollar while
I go swimming?"