Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer
- When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
- He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
- He tells you that he has never told a lie.
- A big sign in his office says: "Don't ask me."
- A prison guard is shaving your head.
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Top 7 ways the Internet could get worse
- "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts protected by 1st amendment.
- Sun internet servers replaced with pentiums.
- Dan Quayle appointed head of "bandwidth expansion tiger team".
- Free netcom account with purchase of big mac.
- Gameboy web browsers.
- Two words: "Microsoft Network"
- Rigorous user screening process abolished by
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Know Your Manager
By three measures a manager is known:
- The thickness of the carpet in his offfice.
- The area of his desk.
- The volume of his car's engine.
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"Reading Problem"
A patient came to me to discuss her nine year old son who was having difficulty reading. The mother was worried that her son was, as she said, "lysdexic".
"Yes", I answered, "and it tends to run in families".
"No one else has it" she replied.
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CleanQuote
"When you win, say nothing. When you lose, say less."
- Paul Brown
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Illustration - ""God, Forgive Me When I Whine""
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Today, upon a bus,
I saw a girl with golden hair.
I envied her, she seemed so gay,
And I wished I was as fair.
When suddenly she rose to leave,
I saw her hobble down the aisle.
She had one leg and used a crutch.
But as she passed, she gave a smile.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I have 2 legs, the world is mine.
I stopped to buy some candy.
The lad who sold it had such charm.
I talked with him, he seemed so glad.
If I were late, it'd do no harm.
And as I left, he said to me,
"I thank you, you've been so kind.
It's nice to talk with folks like you.
You see," he said, "I'm blind."
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I have 2 eyes, the world is mine.
Later while walking down the street,
I saw a child with eyes of blue.
He stood and watched the others play.
He seemed not to know what to do.
I stopped a moment and then I said,
"Why don't you join the others dear?"
He looked ahead without a word.
And then I knew he couldn't hear.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
I have 2 ears, the world is mine.
With feet to take me where I'd go.
With eyes to see the sunset's glow.
With ears to hear what I'd know.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine
I've been blessed indeed, the world is mine.
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Most Wanted
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to the local police station, where they saw pictures of the 10 Most Wanted men tacked to a bulletin board.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."
So Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
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Bad ATM Messages
- You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen says: "Not worth wasting paper", and ejects your card. You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: "Account not found." and keeps your card.
- You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card.
- You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: "What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!", and ejects your card clear across the room.
- You think you've got $100 in your account and go to take out $50, and the screen says: "Not in this lifetime." and laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken.
- You go to the ATM, and there's a picture of you a-la-"Most Wanted" staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: "Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well."
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Sunday School
Vernie was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
"Well, mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of
"When he got to the
"Now, Vernie, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it."
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Fastest Father
Three boys were bragging about their fathers.
The first one said, "My father runs so fast he can fire an arrow, start running, and get there before the arrow!"
The second one said, "That's nothing! My father can shoot a gun, start running, and get there before the bullet!"
The third boy just smiled. "That's nothing. My father is a civil servant. He gets off work at 5 and is home before 4!"
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Weird News
Cutting Class
A teacher was reprimanding a teenager in the hall. "Do you mind
telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"
"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I
really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like
because I'm y'know, like I don't like get anything out of it."
"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.
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The Wedding Dress
When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear
mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the
first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as
Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on
her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my
arm around her.
"You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in
time-honored fashion. "You're gaining a son."
"Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit
into that dress!"