During mail call

During mail call one evening at Marine Corps boot camp, I received several letters from home.  The drill instructor was getting irritated at having to keep calling my name.  "You must have a lot of people at home who like you, huh?" he barked. "Sir, no, sir!" I shouted. "Oh, so you're calling me a liar?" goaded the DI. Trained as a Marine to think quickly on my feet, I yelled out, "Sir, creditors, sir!" The DI had to leave the room so we wouldn't see him laughing. 

DID YOU EVER WONDER

  DID YOU EVER WONDER ? ? ? Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin? Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing  liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?  Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! If a sheep’s coat is made of wool, why doesn't it shrink in the rain? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

A blonde

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.  She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.  When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.  He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk.  Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons.  I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my chin, I can splash it in my eyes

Being Civilized

Being Civilized
Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance. "Teddy," he called, "how many more times do I have I to tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being."
There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.
"That's better," said his father, "now in future will you always come down stairs like that."
"Suits me," said Teddy. "I slid down the railing."