Philosophies to Ponder
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.
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"We all know Karl Rove resigned yesterday. Big blow to the
White House. Rumsfeld's gone, Wolfowitz, Harriet Miers, Dan
Bartlett -- all gone. Cheney -- never much help during the
summer. That's his egg-laying season." --Jon Stewart
***
"Two hundred miles off the coast of New Orleans the largest
oil reserve is believed to have been discovered. It could
increase our reserves by 50 percent and be worth over $15
billion. This reserve could cut the price of gas by a penny!"
-Jay Leno
***
"Bob Woodward claims that the Bush administration is in a
state of denial. Today the Bush administration denied it."
-Dave Letterman
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I wanted to take my kids to the movies but did not want to
wait on line to buy the tickets, so I called ahead to the
theater to buy them over the phone.
I asked, "How much is a ticket?"
They said, "Seven dollars."
I asked, "How much for children?"
They said, "Same price, Seven dollars."
I said, "The airlines charge half fare for children."
They said, "OK, put your kids on a plane to somewhere, and
you come to the movie. You'll enjoy it a lot more that way."
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I was setting up a large, cast aluminum, decorative sundial
in my yard that I had purchased from a garden catalog.
A neighbor, an old Florida cracker, was leaning on the fence
watching my progress and asked, "What the heck's that for?"
I explained, "It's a sun dial, see the sun will hit that
small triangular spike and cast a shadow on the face of the
sundial. Then, as the sun moves across the sky, the shadow
also moves across the calibrated dial, enabling a person to
determine the correct time."
My neighbor shook his head and muttered,. "Huh, what will
they think of next?"
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Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce.3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in thedesert.7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.10) I did not object to the object.11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.13) They were too close to the door to close it.14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.18) After a number of injections my jaw got number. 19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Isit an odd, or an end?If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lightsare out, they are invisible.
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"The brand new president of the Young Republican National Federation, 33-year-old Glenn Murphy, has resigned after one month in office, after police say he is being investigated for performing an unwanted sex act on a sleeping man. Murphy defended himself by saying the act was consensual and he may have had just too much to drink at the time. Well, what guy hasn't done that after a couple of beers? ... See, there you go. The Democrats may talk a good game at the gay rights forum last night, but the Republicans are actually out there doing gay things." --Jay Leno "Last night, during a debate sponsored by a gay group, Senator Hillary Clinton was criticized because of her husband's 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy. In response, Hillary said, 'Sorry, but our entire marriage is based on me not asking and him not telling'" --Conan O'Brien "It pains me to say this, but a 'Tip of the Hat' to the New York Times. This week, America's most venerated journal of treason reduced its paper size from 13 1/2 inches to 12. I haven't seen this much liberal shrinkage since John Kerry went windsurfing" --Stephen Colbert "President Bush has left for vacation and his poll numbers are going up. So, basically, people approve of the job he's doing more when he's not doing the job." --Jay Leno "Barry Bonds hit his 756th home run and broke Hank Aaron's record. ... Last night, President Bush did not call Barry Bonds ... but today, Bush decided to make the call. Bush said, 'I realized I had a rare opportunity to talk to the only guy in the country who's less popular than I am.'" --Conan O'Brien "The White House revealed that last year President Bush was treated for lyme disease. This disease is spread by ticks that burrow under your skin. You don't even know they're there. You know, kinda like a government wiretap." --Jay Leno
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A critical shortage of typists
A soldier was asked to report to the headquarters sergeant for an assignment. The sergeant said, “We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this,” he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine. The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible. The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance. “That's fine,”" he said. “Report for work at 8 tomorrow.” “But aren't you going to check the test?” the prospective clerk asked. The sergeant grinned. “You passed the test,” he replied, “when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine.”
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Community orchestra attendance
A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance."
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Rewiring
Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one,
our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and
maintenance of the church.
Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals.
The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic
above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on
the rafters.
Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew.
Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in
the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably
assuming I was praying.
Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and
yelled, "Sam, Sam, are you up there? Did you make it okay?"
There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's
hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just
fine!"