Birthday Gift
The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the
clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel #5 for his wife's
birthday.
"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.
"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a
cruise."
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What's in a Name?
A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona." "There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?" The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."
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Who's Counting
How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb? 12,001. That's one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
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Playing With Our Words
My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!" "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" "Nothing. She's just having contractions."
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Who's Counting
How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb? 12,001. That's one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
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Raised Heart Rate
As a younger man, I was in great shape. As an airline pilot, I was required to have a Flight physical every six months.
The nurse took the basic data, weight, height, and blood pressure. My pressure was good, but the heart rate was below 40 beats per minute.
"I cannot put that number down. You'll be denied a physical," she said.
"What can I do?" I replied.
She held my hand and winked, saying, "Just think about me for a minute!"
Retaking my blood pressure and heart rate, she stated, "53 will be OK, but you really know how to hurt a girl's feelings!"
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"Family Dinner"
Family dinner was an enjoyable weekly ritual for us. Although my Mother was in her late 80's she certainly still had the ability to clearly say what was on her mind.
This was the first dinner on my sister's beautiful new dining room furniture. As we all sat enjoying good food and conversation Mom kept squirming in her chair. Finally, my sister asked, "Are you alright? Are you uncomfortable?"
Without looking up from her dinner Mom replied, "No, the chair is."
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Oneliner
"Today I went to buy a toaster and was given a bank as a free gift."
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CleanPun - "No Eve"
"No, Eve, I won't touch that apple," said Tom adamantly.- Richard Lederer
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”Gruelling Cross Examinations”
Attorney: Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant?
Witness: The young lady is pregnant, but not as a result of my examination.
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Attorney: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
Witness: I'll be three months on November 8.
Attorney: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: What were you doing at that time?
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Attorney: Mr. Clark, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
Witness: I went to Europe, sir.
Attorney: And did you take your new wife?
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Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?
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Attorney: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And these stairs, did they go up also?
<><><><><>
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
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Attorney: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
Witness: That's me.
Attorney: Were you present when that picture was taken?
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Attorney: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
<><><><><>
Attorney: So you were gone until you returned?
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Shhh!On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf, signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate. The man said something; and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she also signed in big, wide gestures, which is the equivalent of volume.Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing" her. Then he signed, very small and slowly: "You don't have to shout, I'm not blind."
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"All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than
others." --Henry Youngman
***
"Love is only a dirty trick played on us to assure the con-
tinuation of the species." -Somerset Maugham
***
"I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be
an affront to your intelligence." --George Bernard Shaw
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Coming out of the supermarket the other day, I saw a scary
sight. As a woman loaded groceries into her trunk, her
shopping cart began to roll away. The scary part? It was
heading straight for my car.
She ran after it, but was too late...the cart slammed into
my driver's side door. "How bad's the damage?" I called out,
running toward her.
"Bad," she said, gathering her groceries. "I broke at least
a dozen eggs."
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My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from
the sub place last week and she asked the clerk which of
two sandwiches was better.
The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first
sandwich was more expensive. My girlfriend got a quizzical
look on her face and asked, "If that's the case, why are
they both listed with the same price on the menu?"
To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think we add tax to
the turkey."
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Weird News
Woman treated after bat corpse coffee
DES MOINES, Iowa (UPI) -- The Iowa Department of Public health said a woman found a dead bat in her coffee filter after she had been drinking the beverage. The department said the woman, who was from the eastern part of the state, made her coffee in the evening and then drank it the next morning, The (Cedar Rapids, Iowa) Gazette reported. The woman told officials that when she went to change the filter that evening, she found the dead bat inside. Ann Garvey, a veterinarian with the department, said the woman underwent treatment for rabies after the bat corpse's brain was found by the University Hygienic Laboratory in Oakdale, Calif., to have been too cooked by the coffee maker for rabies testing.
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Venomous snake seized from woman's home
CROWN POINT, Ind. (UPI) -- Indiana wildlife officials said they have seized a venomous 5-foot Egyptian cobra from a Crown Point, Ind., woman's home. Conservation Officer Shawn Brown of the Indiana Department of Natural Resources said Elizabeth Zelms was issued a summons on a charge of possessing a venomous reptile without a permit after the snake was removed from her home, The Northwest Indiana Times of Hammond, Ind., reported. Brown said state officials learned of Zelms's snake after she applied for a permit with the Department of Natural Resources. He said she told officials she rescued the cobra from someone who wasn't taking proper care of it. "The law says you have a permit beforehand," Brown said. "That's a dangerous reptile. It's not something to mess around with."