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From our archive -- Thanks to L.M. for these:
Nothing is as irritating as the fellow that chats pleasantly while he's overcharging you.
It is often easier to hide something than to hide the fact that you are hiding something.
The best way to make a small fortune is to start with a big one.
Good instincts usually tell you what to do long before your head has figured it out.
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to be sure that one of them is a match.
A house may be too small for one family, but it can never be big enough for two.
You've heard of the three ages of man: Youth, Middle age, and "you are looking wonderful".
What is more enchanting than the voices of young people when you can't hear what they say?
Seldom is anyone so spiritual as to strip himself entirely of self-love.
It is difficult to see why lace should be so costly; it is mostly holes.
RESOLVED for year 2002: Remember, DIET has a big fat D because I ET too much.
Better a thousand enemies outside the house than one inside.
Could've been ark trouble: Have you ever stopped to consider what would have happened if Noah had allowed same-sex couples to represent their species when he was marching the animals aboard the ark two by two?
There's nothing that takes a fellow down a notch or two faster than a bad haircut.
There's another advantage to being poor----A doctor will cure you faster.
Worry is like riding a roller coaster---It scares you and you always end up right where you started.
True friends are those who, when you've made a fool of yourself, don't think you've done a permanent job.
Don't live in the past.....you've already been there.
You can't sell from an empty wagon.
Although the tongue weighs very little, few people are able to hold it.
When friendship costs something, then you can count your friends.
I never can do what I want to do for having to do what I have to do.
Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.
In a human being, the wishbone is located just under the hat.
Shadows fall behind you when you face the sun.
A candle loses nothing when it lights another.
A humble man never blows his 'knows' in public.
Children can usually repeat word for word those things you shouldn't have said.
Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people.
The only person more obnoxious than a wise guy, is a wise guy who turns out to be right.
Inspiration + Aspiration + Perspiration = SUCCESS
The average child learns to walk at 17 months. The
average mother learns soon after.
Take nothing on its looks; take everything on evidence.
Living a Christian Life is not the most popular thing that you may do, but it is the most important thing that you will ever do!
It is always easy to add a word, but sometimes hard to withdraw one.
It's all right to have a train of thought; if you have a terminal.
A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent one.
The best way to appreciate life is to imagine yourself without it.
If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it.
You'll never strain your eyes by looking at the bright side of things.
Etiquette means behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely necessary.
Even good steel loses its temper when it gets overheated.
If you live in harmony with yourself, you are apt to live in harmony with others.
Living on a budget is the same as living beyond your means, except you have a record of it.
The wise judge by what they see, the foolish by what they hear.
When we are defeated, it should stimulate us to try harder the next time.
What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back with a hinge in it.
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Thanks to G.B. -- Geezers
Geezers" are easy to spot; this is slang for an old man. But, at sporting events, during the playing of the National Anthem, they hold their caps over their hearts and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.
They remember World War I, the Depression, World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy and Hitler.
They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing, not to mention Vietnam.
If you bump into a "Geezer" on the sidewalk, he'll apologize, pass a Geezer on the street, he'll nod, or tip his cap to a lady. "Geezers" trust strangers and are courtly to women. They hold the door for the next person and always when walking, make sure the lady is on the inside for protection.
"Geezers" get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like violence and filth on TV and in movies. Geezers have moral courage.
Geezers seldom brag unless it's about the grandchildren in Little League or music recitals. This country needs "Geezers" with their decent values and common sense. We need them now more than ever. It's the "Geezers" who know our great country is protected, not by politicians or police, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country in foreign lands, just as they did, without a thought except to do a good job, the best you can and to get home to loved ones.
Thank God for "OLD GEEZERS"! They love like there is no tomorrow.
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Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, "The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."
"Oh, yeah?" her grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
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Ya'lls In A Redneck Church If
There is a special fundraiser for a new church septic tank.
Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
People think the "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo) from Billy Bob's Barbecue.
The collection plates are hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
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A young boy called the pastor of a local "corner" church to ask the pastor to come by to pray for his mother who had been very ill with the flu. The pastor knew the family and was aware they had been attending another church down the road. So the pastor asked, "Shouldn't you be asking Brother Simon down the road to come by to pray with your mom?"
The young boy replied, "Yeah, but we didn't want to take the chance that he might catch whatever it is that Mom has."