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Old man Fielding, the miser, at last went to his reward and presented himself at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted him with appropriate solemnity and escorted him to his new abode. Walking past numerous elegant mansions finally they arrived at a dilapidated shack at the end of the street.
Fielding, much taken aback, began, "Why am I left with a rundown shack when all of these others have fine mansions?"
"Well, sir," replied St. Peter, "we did the best we could with the money you sent us."
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You Know You're a Redneck When... (2005 Edition)
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same
tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter. 3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center. 4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 5. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 6. You offer someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 7. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took. 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas wish list. 12. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. 13. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 14. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell. 15. You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture. 16. You took a fishing pole to Sea World. 17. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 18. You have a rag for a gas cap. 19. Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner. 20. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 21. You can spit without opening your mouth. 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 23. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota. 24. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side. 25. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 26. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart. 27. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher. 28. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty. 29. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph. 30. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
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Klopman Diamond
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Klopman."
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Thanks to Robert Burdick for today's Oneliner.
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive . . . so I took her to a gas station.
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Married in Heaven
On their way to get married, a young couple are
involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find
themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting
for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they
possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter
says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has
asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer...... for a
couple of months. While they waited, they discussed
that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven,
SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect
of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we
stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns,
looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the
couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just
wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we
also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard
onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened
couple.
"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three
months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea
how long it'll take me to find a lawyer..."
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Leaky Roof
Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a
repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?"
the repairman inquired.
Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"