"Oarsmen News"
One day, the Captain of the 40-oared royal Nile barge goes down to speak to the oarsmen in the hold of his ship.
"Men, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, the Queen will be joining us today for a trip up the Nile."
The men cheered and sang the praises of the Queen.
The captain then continued, "The bad news is, she wants to go water skiing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote - Manhood
"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." - Plato
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"First Impressions"
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his
appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mr. Swiller was known far and wide as a hard-nosed boss who
watched his employees like a hawk. He was making one of his
regular tours of the factory when he spotted a young man
leaning against a pile of boxes just outside the foreman's
office. Since George, the foreman, wasn't around, Swiller
stood off to the side and watched to see just how long the
young man would stand around doing nothing.
The young man yawned, scratched his head, looked at his
watch, and sat on the floor. He took out a nail file and
began cleaning his nails. Then he stretched, yawned again,
and leaned back on the pile of boxes.
Swiller stepped from his hiding place and walked up to the
young man. "You!" he boomed. "How much do you make a week?"
The young man looked up indifferently. "Two hundred and
fifty dollars," he said.
Swiller swooped into the cashier's office, took $250 from
the cash box, and returned. "Take it," he said, "and get
out! Don't let me see you around here again!"
The young man took the cash, put it in his pocket, and left.
Swiller snorted at his lack of remorse, embarrassment, or
any other feeling. Then he went looking for George. When he
found him, Swiller was red with anger. "That idler in front
of your office," Swiller said. "I just gave him a week's pay
and fired him. What's the matter with you, letting him stand
around as though he had nothing to do?"
"You mean the kid in the red shirt?" George asked.
"Yes! The kid in the red shirt!"
"He was waiting for the twenty dollars we owe him for
lunch," George said. "He works for the coffee shop around
the corner."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: Terribly Punny
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from
the Louvre. After carefully planning, he got past
security, stole the paintings and made it safely to
his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away
when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and
then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van
Gogh."
(And you thought I lacked De Gaulle to send you a
story like this.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Create your iHealthRecord Today!
I've just created iHealthRecords , and wanted to tell
you about this great new service! You can create a
secure online health record for everyone in your
family which will let you keep all of their important
health information in one place. Because the records
are online, you can always access them from wherever
you are. And you can grant privileges to your
physicians, as well as a friend or family member who
could access it for you in the event of an emergency.
A handy little wallet card lets you alert anyone that
you have a health record, and it provides emergency
contact information.
Its easy to do-and takes less than ? hour to complete
each record. The best part is you can print it out
and take it to your physician's office; no more
clipboards!
I can't imagine not having this service, especially
for emergencies and when we travel. Check it out!
Go to: http://www.ihealthrecord.org
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to CT: Bibles for sale
A minister concluded that his church was getting into
serious financial troubles.
While checking the church storeroom, he discovered
several cartons of new bibles that had never been
opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers
from the congregation who would be willing to sell the
bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the
desperately needed money for the church.
Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to
volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their
living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling
some bibles.
But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local
farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was
embarrassed by his speech impediment.
Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to
discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try
anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of
their cars stacked with bibles.
He asked them to meet with him and report the results
of their door-to-door selling efforts the following
Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the
minister immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how
did you make out selling our bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the preacher an envelope, Peter
replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell
20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf
of the church."
"Fine job, Peter!" The minister said, vigorously
shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and
the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you
sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently
replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28
bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I
collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid,
Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the
church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said,
"And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last
week?"
Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.
The preacher opened it and counted the contents.
"What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie,
there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you
sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just
one week?"
Louie just nodded.
That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in
unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim
to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed.
"I think you'd better explain how you managed to
accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't
kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud,
Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they
answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied,
"W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to
b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten
b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you
j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here
and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?
They still are!