Not For Lunch
My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years
I had to think about preparing midday meals.
Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for
better or worse, but not for lunch."
"Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.
A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and
invited me to join him afterwards.
"We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he
suggested.
I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were
seated, and the waiter came to take our order.
My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said,
"Separate checks, please..."
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My mother's friend joined Weight Watchers, and the other day when she was
getting ready to go to the weekly meeting her little grandson asked her
where she was going. She said she was going to her fat club.
When she got back home her grandson said, "Well Grandma, are you fat yet?"
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Frustrated at always being corrected by my hubby, I decided the next time it
happened I would have a comeback. That moment finally arrived, and I was
ready.
"You know," I challenged, "even a broken clock is right once a day."
He looked at me and replied, "Twice."
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We put the "k" in "kwality.
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New Hearing Aid
"I got this great new hearing aid the other day," said one elderly man to another.
"Really? Are you wearing it now?" asked his friend.
"Yup," came the reply. "Cost me four thousand dollars, but it's top of the line."
"What kind is it?"
"Twelve-thirty."
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G.P.A.At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful young thing and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at parties."Oh, I have a 3.9, so I'm much more attracted to the strong academic types than to dumb party animals," she said. "What's your G.P.A.?"Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 27 in the city and 38 on the highway."
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"In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall
back on lies." --Stephen Leacock
***
"Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter because nobody listens."
--Nick Diamos
***
"The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying
go the longest way." --Samuel Butler
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Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends
were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke
was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he
was dreading the payback he knew was coming.
Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No
one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this
couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't dis-
rupted by streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple
was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.
When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room,
Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had
always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that
he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.
Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down
to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for
two."
At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make
that five."
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A young woman was worried about her stress-related habit
of biting her fingernails down to the quick, so her friend
advised her to take up yoga. She did, and soon her finger-
nails were growing normally.
Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervous-
ness. "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails
so I bite them instead."
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The Score
When I was visiting a friend who lived on the edge of a wilderness preserve, we drove along a rutted trail, and we saw a small creek ahead whose bridge was under water. "We have a serious beaver problem," our friend said. "They build dams that cause the creek to flood. Forest rangers take down the dams, and the beavers rebuild them." As we got closer, we could see a large scoreboard posted by the bridge. It read: BEAVERS 3 RANGERS 0
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Top Ways The Army Is Trying To Boost Recruiting
8. Military transport flights now earn you Delta frequent flier miles 7. Where else can you shoot guns and get awakened in the middle of the night by loud explosions besides New York, Chicago and Detroit? 6. Get rid of all those creepy "Richard Simmons Wants You" posters 5. Intelligence spy satellite may be used to watch television 24 hours a day 4. Superiors may now be addressed as "Dude" 3. Make it so every hand grenade has a creamy nougat center 2. Next mission: all-out invasion of Temptation Island 1. New slogan "Army of One" replaces "Hope You Like Scrubbing Latrines!"
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Say, why did the foreman fire you?
Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?" Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."
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Cheapskate Carpet Tip
Increase the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.
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Top Ten Silliest Questions Asked on a Cruise Ship
10. Do these steps go up or down?
9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they
melt?
8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?
7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?
6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?
5. Does the ship make its own electricity?
4. Is it salt water in the toilets?
3. What elevation are we at?
2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and
displays them the next day, this question is asked: If the
pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?
1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?
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The Head
A naval command instructor was indoctrinating his new naval command recruits.
He said, "You are all in the Navy now and in the US Navy we have our own language. For instance, in the Navy we don't call it a bathroom; we don't call it a toilet; we don't call it a latrine."
A young Naval Command recruit raised his hand and asked, "What do you call it?"
"Son, we call it a 'head'. Now tell me son, what is the difference between a 'head' and a 'hole in the ground'?"
The naval recruit said, "Well, I don't know."
The naval command Instructor said, "Son, how do you expect to command a US Naval ship if you don't know your head from a hole in the ground?"
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"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late
for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the
refrigerator." --Bill Lawrence
***
"Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same
thing to me: "Basement?" --Rodney Dangerfield
***
"It's good to be back in New York but the crime situation
has gotten bad. When I was getting off the plane I saw the
pilot putting the 'club' on the steering wheel."
--John Mendoza
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My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town. Once he
saw a group of beach goers park near his shop and dump trash
from their car on his property.
As soon as they were out of sight, and walking towrds the
beach, the locksmith picked the lock on their car door, put
the garbage back inside and relocked the car.
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