Pull Over!
"Hey, you! Pull over!" shouted the traffic cop. The lady complied, and she was fined seventy-five dollars for not wearing a seatbelt. She went home in great anxiety lest her husband, who always examined her checkbook, should learn of the incident. Then inspiration struck and she marked the check stub, "One pullover: $75."
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One of comedian Will Rogers' favorite remarks was "All I know is what I read in the papers." For many busy people, all they know is what they read in the headlines. The bold messages entice readers to purchase copies from the news stand and, if there is time, to dive more deeply into a story.Behind every newspaper headline lurks a newspaper deadline. The men and women who compose headlines work within restrictions of time and space.They must compact large-size print into narrow column widths, and their brief messages must clearly state the theme of each story, keep words intact, be attractive to the eye and catch the reader's attention. On top of that, each headline must be written in a fraction of the time thought humanly possible.No wonder that, on occasion, editors get caught with their headlines down, and exposed to as many as several million readers, the bold-face botch becomes a red-face result.Some of the best two-headed headlines are those in which an inadvertent pun lifts the message from the blandly literal to the sublimely absurd:GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONEDEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLINGDEFENDANT'S SPEECH ENDS IN LONG SENTENCEASBESTOS SUIT PRESSEDDOCTOR TESTIFIES IN HORSE SUITCOMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES GROWING UGLYPOLICE BEGIN CAMPAIAGN TO RUNDOWN JAYWALKERSFLAMING TOILET SEAT CAUSES EVACUATION AT HIGH SCHOOLHOUSE PASSES GAS TAX ONTO SENATEPOLICE DISCOVER CRACK IN AUSTRALIATUNA BITING OFF WASHINGTON COASTMANY ANTIQUES SEEN AT D.A.R. MEETINGIKE SAYS NIXON CAN'T STAND PATTWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE; JURY HUNGU.S. AUDIT FINDS FUNDS FOR YOUTH MISSPENTALL-STARS TURN ON SPARSE CROWDNATION'S HUNGRY ATTACK MEESE.COLLEGIANS ARE TURNING TO VEGATABLESMILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDERHALF-MILLION ITALIAN WOMEN SEEN ON PILLSAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTEDFLORIDA ILLEGAL ALIENS CUT IN HALF BY NEW LAW10 REVOLTING OFFICERS EXECUTEDQUARTER OF A MILLION CHINESE LIVE ON WATERDRUNK GETS NINE MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASECOUNTY OFFICIALS TO TALK RUBBISHJUDGE ACTS TO REOPEN THEATERMAN HELD IN MIAMI AFTER SHOOTING BEESURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTSCARTER PLANS SWELL DEFICITCARTER TICKS OFF BLACK HELPCARRIBEAN ISLANDS DRIFT TO LEFT
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Optimism Wednesday, January 9, 2002
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was theirlooks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold.If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume neededto be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist,the other a doom and gloom pessimist.Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday, their fatherloaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. Theoptimist's room, he loaded with horse manure.That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found himsitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly."Why are you crying?" the father asked."Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read the all theseinstructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantlyneed batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered thepessimistic twin.Passing the optimistic twin's room, the father found him dancing forjoy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.To which his optimistic twin replied, "There's got to be a pony inhere somewhere!"
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Excuse notes received by teachers
Excuse notes received by teachers...Please eckuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.Pleazse excuse Roland from P.E. for a few day. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.Mary could not come to school because she has been bothered by very close veins.Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust.Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.Please excuse Harriet for missing school yesterday. We forget to get the Sunday paper off the porch. and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I did not find him till I started making the beds.Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend a funeral.My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marine's.
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Things You Did Not Know
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.A snail can sleep for three years.All polar bears are left handed.American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.Butterflies taste with their feetCats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about 10.China has more English speakers than the United States.Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear any pants.Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you will have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.Leonardo da Vinci invented the scissors.Marilyn Monroe had six toes.No word in the English language rhymes with month.Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.Starfish haven't got brains.The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.The name Wendy was made up for the book 'Peter Pan'.The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.Women blink nearly twice as much as men.And finally...You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.