!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Some Great Malapropisms..."
"I don't want anybody stepping on anyone else's thunder."
"You can't pull the sheep over my eyes!"
"I don't mean to take the steam out of your sails, but...."
"I used to be as sharp as a button."
"That way I can kill two bricks with one stone."
"If my grandfather was alive today, he'd be turning in his grave."
"You can't teach an old leopard how to change its spots."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - " Putting"
A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.
"'Putt' is correct," he replied.
"'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Little Danny was in the digging spot filling in a hole when his Thelma Hoch came over and watch for a moment. Interested in what the cheeky-faced boy was doing, she politely asked, "What are you doing there, Danny?"
"My goldfish died," replied Danny tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The Mrs. Hoch was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Lucy patted down the last shovel-full of dirt and replied, "I needed a big hole because my fish is inside your cat!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother,
but Bert felt that he must: "Mom, you're no longer a spring
chicken and you do need to think ahead of what'll happen in
the future. Why don't we make arrangements about when...you
know...when...you pass on?"
The mother didn't say anything, just sat there staring
ahead.
"I mean, Mom, like...how do you want to finally go? Do you
want to be buried? Cremated?"
There was yet another long pause. Then the mother looked up
and said, "Son, why don't you surprise me?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An Old Farmer's Advice :
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with,
watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.