Diagnosis"
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
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CleanQuote
"A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life."- William A. Ward
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"New Life" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
An irate subscriber stormed into a newspaper office waving the current edition, asking to see "whoever wrote the obituary column".
When referred to a young reporter, he stormed, "You can see I'm very much alive, and you've put me in the obituary column! I demand a retraction!"
Replied the reporter, "I never retract a story. But I tell you what I'll do. I'll put you in the birth column and give you a fresh start."
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A man visited a psychiatrist to talk about his dreams.
"Every night," the man said, "I dream that these three
hideous monsters are sitting on the edge of my bed, ready to
attack me."
"Hmmm," said the doctor. "I feel sure I can cure you of this
problem. But the treatment will cost you somewhere between
twenty-five and thirty thousand dollars."
"Thirty thousand dollars!" the man gasped. "Never mind
getting rid of the monsters, Doctor. I think I'll go home
and try to make friends with them!"
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Getting ForgetfulThe man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him."Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient."You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."
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The Barbecue Is Ready
by Robert Byron
I had decided that I needed a barbecue in my backyard to end my having to
buy a new charcoal grill every year. A friend of mine volunteered to build
it for me and soon I had a fine brick barbecue complete with a chimney. It
was a wonderful magnificent masterpiece of architectural perfection. I
cooked at least a side of beef not to mention the four tons of hamburgers
and one or two tons of hot dogs on it that summer. Once winter arrived I
found that the barbecue was an ideal place to burn trash and various other
items such as sticks and limbs that found their way into my yard. Yes, I had
found a way to keep my backyard furnace running year round.
One of my neighbors took an immediate liking to my barbecue. In fact, he
liked it so much that he had my friend build one for him and although it was
identical to mine, I truly believe that he was more proud of his than I was
of mine. Never have eyes seen nor ears heard the amounts of meat that
sizzled on his barbecue that summer. It was an absolutely amazing sight to
behold.
Cold weather set in and I could see my neighbor piling leaves into his
barbecue as I stood at my kitchen window. He tried fruitlessly to get the
leaves to burn but even his best attempts could only get them to smolder. It
was then that I saw him carry his gas can over to his barbecue and begin to
pour gas on the leaves. He stood back several feet, lit a wooden kitchen
match and lobbed it onto the leaves.
The sound of the explosion was deafening and the force of the blast knocked
my neighbor off his feet. Fire shot fifty feet through the chimney and
caught his oak tree on fire shortly before his new barbecue crumbled into a
pile of broken brick and smoldering leaves. I ran outside and could already
hear the sirens of the fire trucks as I approached my neighbor to see if he
had been injured. Finding out that he was unharmed I took a few steps back
before I asked, "So, whatcha cookin'?"
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I'm nobody's fool, but am available for adoption.