TRIVIA: What do the names Chang, Schultz and Smith
have in common?
"My strength is as the strength of ten, Because
my heart is pure" (Alfred Lord Tennyson, 1809 - 1892).
[Answer at the bottom]
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Blood Race
The junior officers challenged the senior officers at an Air Force
Base in North Caroline to see who would donate the most blood.
After trying several times to locate a vein in the left arm of a
young first lieutenant, the medical technician applied a Band-Aid,
and then inserted a needle into the right arm, drawing blood this
time, and then put a Band-Aid on that arm as well.
As he left the collection facility, the lieutenant passed a colonel.
Noting the two bandages, he looked at the first lieutenant and shook
his head, saying, "I knew you young guys would find some way to cheat."
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In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to
discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One co-worker said the
programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from
a "severe nonlinear waterfowl issue."
Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What exactly is
that?"
The programmer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."
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The best remedy for chapped lips is to stop moving them.
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Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the
table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's
been eating my porridge?!!," he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big
chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty.
"Who's been eating my Porridge?!!," he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the
kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we
have to go through this?
"It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who
woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the
coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from
last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who
went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the
newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the table, it was Momma
Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled
the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided
to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs, and grace Momma
Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause
I'm only going to say this one more time...
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE PORRIDGE YET!!"
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"Post Card Help"
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen."
"Certainly sir," said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."
He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old fellow thought about it for a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing.'?"
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CleanQuote
"All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed."
- Sean O'Casey, playwright (1880-1964)
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"CONCENTRATE"
FEATURED ILLUSTRATION ITEMS ARE WELL SUITED FOR INTRODUCING OR ILLUMINATING A POINT IN A SERMON, SPEECH, OR DEVOTIONAL. FUNNY, MOVING, OR PERHAPS EVEN GRAPHIC, THE POINT OF THEM IS THE POINT YOU MAKE WITH THEM.
WHEN A MAN PULLED TWO GUNS ON CONVENIENCE STORE CLERK WAZIR JIWI AND DEMANDED MONEY, JIWI ASKED HOW MUCH HE WANTED FOR ONE OF THE GUNS. HE SAID $100, WHICH JIWI PAID HIM. THEN JIWI OFFERED TO BUY THE SECOND GUN. THE ROBBER HANDED IT OVER, GRABBED THE CASH AND HEADED FOR THE EXIT. BUT JIWI HAD PUSHED A BUTTON UNDER THE COUNTER THAT AUTOMATICALLY LOCKED THE DOOR.
"HE TURNED TO ME AND ASKED WHAT WAS GOING ON," JIWI SAYS. "I TOLD HIM TO BRING THE MONEY BACK AND I WOULD LET HIM GO. HE BROUGHT THE MONEY BACK, AND I OPENED THE DOOR."
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QUOTABLE QUOTES From READER'S DIGEST January 1996
Mistakes are the usual bridge between inexperience and
wisdom. Phyllis Theroux, NIGHT LIGHTS (Viking Penguin)
Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that
thankfulness is indeed a virtue. William J. Bennett,
THE MORAL COMPAS (Simon and Schuster)
Saying what we think gives a wider range of
conversation than saying what we know. Cullen
Hightower
Without music, life is a journey through a desert. Pat
Conroy Beach Music (Doubleday)
Most people are willing to pay more to be amused than
to be educated. Robert C. Savage, LIFE LESSONS
(Tyndale House)
Once we realize that imperfect understanding is the
human condition, there is no shame in being wrong,
only in failing to correct our mistakes. George Soros,
SOROS ON SOROS (Wiley)
Never assume the obvious is true. William Safire,
SLEEPER-SPY (Random House)
All blessings are mixed blessings. (John Updike)
Reading makes immigrants of us all -- it takes us away
from home, but more important, it finds homes for us
everywhere. Hazel Rochman, AGAINST BORDERS (ALA
Books)
Adults are obsolete children. Dr. Seuss
Perversion and corruption masquerade as ambiguity. I
don't like ambiguity. I don't trust ambiguity. John
Wayne, quoted by Randy Roberts and James S. Olson,
JOHN WAYNE: AMERICAN (Free Press)
Life is at its best when it's shaken and stirred. F.
Paul Facult in NEW YORK TIMES
"There is no greatness where there is not
simplicity, goodness and truth." Leo Tolstoy, WAR AND
PEACE
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Thanks to Kittyspann: "The lonely Ember"
A member of a certain church, who previously had been
attending services regularly, stopped going.
After a few weeks, the preacher decided to visit him.
It was a chilly evening. The preacher found the man
at home alone, sitting before a blazing fire. Guessing
the reason for his preacher's visit, the man
welcomed him, led him to a big chair near the
fireplace and waited.
The preacher made himself comfortable but said
nothing. In the grave silence, he contemplated the
play of the flames around the burning logs.
After some minutes, the preacher took the fire tongs,
carefully picked up a brightly burning ember and
placed it to one side of the hearth all alone. Then
he sat back in his chair, still silent. The host
watched all this in quiet fascination.
As the one lone ember's flame diminished, there was a
momentary glow and then its fire was no more. Soon it
was cold and dead.
Not a word had been spoken since the initial greeting.
Just before the preacher was ready to leave, he
picked up the cold, dead ember and placed it back in
the middle of the fire. Immediately it
began to glow once more with the light and warmth of
the burning coals around it.
As the preacher reached the door to leave, his host
said, "Thank you so much for your visit and especially
for the fiery sermon. I shall be back in church next
Sunday."
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Thanks to AB: Ten Rules For Staying Young:
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes
age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about
them. That is why you pay him/her.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you
down. If you really need a grouch, there are probably
a few dozen of your relatives to do the job.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer,
crafts, gardening, whatever. Just never let the
brain idle.
4. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp
for breath. Laugh so much that you can be tracked in
the store by your distinctive laughter.
5. Do not worry about situations beyond your control.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with you your entire lives is
yourself.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it is
family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies,
whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what
you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Shoulder only your own
responsibilities. Then go to the mall, the next
county, a foreign country, but not guilt.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at
every opportunity. Remember, life is not measured by
the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that
take our breath away.
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From January 1996 READER'S DIGEST: Laying Down The
Laws
Law of Energy: Children have more energy after a hard
day of play than they do after a good night's sleep.
Steve Jarrell in THE HONAHAM NEWS
Law of Government: The amount of time required to
finish any project is equal to the amount of time
already spent on it. Jay Trachman in ONE TO ONE
Law of Airlines: The shorter the time between
flights, the greater the distance between gates. Doug
Larson, UNITED FEATURE SYNDICATE
Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more
but. Contributed by Pat Hartson
Dixon's Law: When you are driving behind a
slow-moving vehicle in a no-passing zone, that vehicle
will always turn in the same direction at the same
intersection you do. James Dent in Charleston, W.
Va., GAZETTE.
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From January 1996 READER'S DIGEST: Fast Track
Soon after we moved to Alabama, I was assigned to
the headquarters in Georgia for a couple of weeks. I
tried calling home the first night, but kept getting a
busy signal. The operator said that the phone was off
the hook. I didn't know what to do until I remembered
the number of a pizza delivery shop we had used. A
call to them sent a pizza on its way to my house, with
a note telling them to cradle the phone.
In less than a half-hour, the pizza was
delivered, message relayed, phone hung up, and I got
to say good-night to my family. Contributed by Gena
Rae Shores
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ANSWER: They are the most common last names in China,
Germany and the U.S. respectively. Chang is the most
common name in the world.