"We'll always have Wal-Mart."
"You had me at 'Sooooey!'"
"Houston, we have a 'possum."
"Are you CRYING? There's no crying in NASCAR!"
"Of all the trailer parks in Pine Cone County, she had to
pull her '68 Rambler into mine."
"Use the horse, Luke!"
"I ate his ribs... with some pinto beans and a shot o' Jack
Daniel's."
"Hokey opera and ancient museums are no match for a good
tractor pull, kid."
"I know what you're thinking... did he fire six shots or
only five? Well, heck if I know! You KNOW I can't count no
higher'n three since the chainsaw accident!"
"You want a tooth?! You can't HANDLE a tooth!!"
+++++++++++++++++++
I believe my young daughter wants a pair of glasses. I don't know why she
does. Perhaps glasses are now "cool" to have in school? But though she sees
just fine, she still says she needs glasses.
I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out though. She was asked to
read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart. She said, "All right, I can
see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but not the 'N' and the 'Z.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
Once at a dinner party, a guest and I got into a discussion of our
heritages. I mentioned that I was an English "Moore" as opposed to our
distant cousins, the Irish "Moores". He said that he had a mixed heritage.
Half Scotch, half soda.
+++++++++++++++++++
It always amazes me the progress scientists are making in cancer research.
Every day they discover something else that causes it.
+++++++++++++++++++
Play on the words
"Welcome to Entropy Burgers -- may I take your order?" "I put in disorder a long time ago. The service here is getting worse all the time." "My experience Gibbs me reason to believe you." "I know the waitress who asked that, too. Her name's Ellen Omega. She really made me thermally dynamic. So, I asked her out. I tell you, when she don't like you, she really Boltz, man. Women like that are never distributed normally among the population." "What kind of Poisson would say something like this?"
+++++++++++++++++++
More Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn
- The insurance was invalid for the invalid. - There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. - They were too close to the door to close it. - The buck does funny things when the does are present. - A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. - To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. - The wind was too strong to wind the sail. - After a number of injections my jaw got number. - Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. - I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. - How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
+++++++++++++++++++
Three Women Are About to be Executed.
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Father: How were the exam questions? Son: EasyFather: Then why look so unhappy?Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers! Where was the Magna Carta signed?At the bottom! What are you going to be when you get out of school?An old man! What did you learn in school today?Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow! I'm learning ancient history?So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times!
+++++++++++++++++++
This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. Rob
is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in
Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore
drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She
then sent it to radio station 103.2-FM in Ft. Wayne,
Indiana, which was sponsoring a worst job experience
contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue, just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been
feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my
dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after
all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must
bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear
a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the
water is quite cool, so what we do to keep warm is this: we
have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000
piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats
it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the
diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a pretty good plan, and I've used it
several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to
the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it
down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with
warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well, until all of a sudden, my rear
end started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This
only made things worse.
Within a few seconds, it started to burn. I pulled the hose
out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I
realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped
it into my suit. When I scratched what I thought was an
itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into myself.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the
communicator. His instructions were unclear because he and
five other divers were all laughing hysterically. Needless
to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three
agonizing in-water decompression stops, totaling thirty-five
minutes, before I could reach the surface to begin my
chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface and climbed out of the water,
the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face,
handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it onto the
affected area as soon as I got into the chamber. The cream
put the fire out, but it took two days before I could sit
down again.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about
how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved
down your pants. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I
love my job, I love my job."
Now, whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself: Is this a
jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!