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Sucker Bet
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow
approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually
plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.
Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say,
we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five dollars a hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet
but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes
and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his
$80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to
pick on suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic
Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and
offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won
fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll
marry them for you."
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Blindsided
by Robert Byron
Sometimes men get blindsided by women. Just when I think my relationship is going great, my wife will say something like, "Something is drastically wrong with our marriage."
Naturally, being dumbfounded by this statement, I'll ask, "Why do you say that? I thought that things were never better."
She'll say something like, "If you don't know, I am not going to tell you."
Upon further investigation I'll usually find out something along the lines of her friend's husband just gave his wife flowers for no apparent reason.
I'll try to explain to my wife that the friend's husband is probably just buttering up his wife for something he wants or trying to take the heat off of him for something he's done.
"It doesn't matter. She got flowers and I didn't."
"What about the flowers I gave you last week?"
"Those were for my birthday and they don't count."
The fact is, the friends husband should be shot. Men sometimes forget about the meeting we that had years ago where we determined which days of the year we give flowers to our wives. These special days were set aside so that no man would ever get in trouble for not giving a woman flowers when he is supposed to give flowers. We decided that anniversaries and birthdays are the big ones, followed by Valentines Day and then Mothers Day, etc. The fact is that my wife's friend's husband gave flowers when he shouldn't have. He broke the code. He crossed the picket line. He is Benedict Arnold.
In order to get those new golf clubs or because he wanted to make up for late night bowling with the boys, he betrayed men everywhere. No, he's not the bad guy. It's the fault of every other husband who happened not to give his wife flowers that day. We are the one's who have to pay for this mans hollow generosity. he should be shot.
"Honey. Do you think your friend's husband would like to go hunting with me and some of the boys?"
"I think he'd like that. I'll call my friend and I'm sure she'll want him to go."
"Good. I'll call the boys and tell them to get their guns ready."
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Dog's Rules For Christmas
1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog cuddles.
2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.
4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know: Don't pee on the tree... Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree... Mind your tail when you are near the tree... If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open... And Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree.
5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: Not all strangers appreciate kisses and cleans. Don't eat off the buffet table. Beg for goodies subtly. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your spot on the sofa -- they don't know any better. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach unless you can get away with it...
6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important) Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house. Be nice to the kiddies. Turn on your charm big time.
7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DO NOT BITE HIM!!!
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Grandfather Turkey
Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey
scolded her younger birds. "You turkeys are always into mischief," she
gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over
in his gravy."
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Here is today's CleanPun.
As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors.
On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends.
The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull.
He was very upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost!
You can imagine he was rather put off with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever. All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.
Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face.
Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears. Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again.
He went back into the bar where the air was now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.
"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?"
"No problem", said Joe "I'm an extractor fan"
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Baby Cry?
At 3:00 a.m. the young wife shook her husband awake, telling him to check
the baby.
He sat up for a full minute listening, then protested, "But I don't hear
her crying."
"I know." she replied, "It's your turn to go see why not!"