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Verbalized Prayers
The pastor of a mid-sized church decided one Monday morning that the staff would verbalize their prayers at the weekly staff meeting. He led off: "Lord, my daughter is about to go away to college, I only make $55,000 a year, and it's not enough."
He turned to the associate pastor, and She said, "Lord, I have two children in preschool, a new mortgage, I only make $39,000 a year, and it's not enough."
The minister of education continues with his chant, "Lord, you know I need a new car, my wife is not well, I only make $28,000 a year, and it's not enough."
The youth minister has her turn next: "Lord, I've just finished seminary, I have huge student loans, I only make $20,000 a year and it's not enough."
At last it's time for the minister of music. His prayer went like this: "Lord, my son is graduating from Harvard, we bought a new boat, I make $100,000 a year and ... 'there's no business like show business!'"
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Verbalized Prayers
The pastor of a mid-sized church decided one Monday morning that the staff would verbalize their prayers at the weekly staff meeting. He led off: "Lord, my daughter is about to go away to college, I only make $55,000 a year, and it's not enough."
He turned to the associate pastor, and She said, "Lord, I have two children in preschool, a new mortgage, I only make $39,000 a year, and it's not enough."
The minister of education continues with his chant, "Lord, you know I need a new car, my wife is not well, I only make $28,000 a year, and it's not enough."
The youth minister has her turn next: "Lord, I've just finished seminary, I have huge student loans, I only make $20,000 a year and it's not enough."
At last it's time for the minister of music. His prayer went like this: "Lord, my son is graduating from Harvard, we bought a new boat, I make $100,000 a year and ... 'there's no business like show business!'"
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Here is today's Illustration. - Enjoying Work
My husband and I had gone to a restaurant with friends. When the hostess led us to a circular booth, we noticed the vinyl seat was covered with crumbs and asked if it could be cleaned off.
The young woman sat down at one end of the booth, slid around to the other side, then sprang up with a smile as she asked, "Did I get it all?"
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Hello ......An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me." "Why not?" he asks. She answers back, "Because I'm dead." The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another." She says, "No, I'm definitely dead." He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?" Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
Remember, once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some, like me, just don't have any film.
I always know God won't give me more than I can handle, but there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.
Never be too open minded, your brains could fall out.
Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Learn from the mistakes of others. Trust me .... you can't live long enough to make them all yourself. I've tried!!
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ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."
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ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."
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From READER'S DIGEST January 1996 --
All In A Day's Work
Part of my job at the state fish and wildlife
department is to lend equipment to residents for
trapping and relocating raccoons. A man who had been
successful at capturing one of the animals called to
ask whether raccoons mated for life. He said his
daughter was worried that they might have separated a monogamous couple. "I don't know why she's so concerned," he added. "She's been married three times." Contributed by Marie Jones
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The District Judge in our county is a no-nonsense
woman who has never left any doubt as to her
professionalism. What those of us who work in the
court didn't know was whether she had a sense of
humor. The matter was put to rest the morning an
older woman was testifying before the judge.
Several times during the proceedings the woman
addressed the judge as "Honey." Finally the judge
looked the woman in the eye and said, "That's JUDGE
Honey."
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In my Real-Estate office, there sometimes was
confusion about the terms used to describe features in
homes. Most of us who worked there considered a
half-bath to be a room with a toilet and a basin. A three-quarter bath would include a toilet, basin, and shower stall, and a full bath would have toilet, basin and bathtub. One afternoon, four of us were debating this subject when a fifth agent walked in. Hoping he'd agree with me, I asked, "What do you consider a full bath?" "Oh," he said, "about eight people."
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Ginger, a crossing guard at the elementary
school, regarded each child as her personal charge.
Concerned that motorists on their way to work were
speeding and endangering her kids, Ginger appealed to
the police chief for a radar gun. She was told that
budget constraints wouldn't allow the purchase of
additional equipment. The next day, vehicles were
traveling much slower as Ginger, undaunted, aimed at
oncoming traffic with her hair dryer
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When my husband joined the U.S. Postal Service,
he was required to take a written test. After he
completed it, he handed it to the personnel officer,
who explained, "Your test will be scored by a
high-speed computer. We'll have the results in four
to six weeks." Contributed by Michelle P. Pronsati
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LIFE IN THESE UNITED STATES
On the way home one night, I spotted some
fresh-cut roses outside a florist's shop. After
selecting a dozen and entering the shop, I was greeted
by a young saleswoman.
"Are these for your wife, sir?" she asked.
"Yes," I said.
"For her birthday?" she asked.
"No," I replied.
"For your anniversary?"
"No," I said again.
As I pocketed my change and headed toward the
door, the young woman called out, "I hope she forgives
you." Gerald Lebowitz (Bronk. N.Y.)
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Traveling on a shoestring budget, my husband Joe
and I were spending a day in New York City when Joe
ripped his pants. We shopped for new pants but found
none that weren't far too expensive. So we headed to
the nearest tailor shop.
Joe stepped into the dressing room and handed his
pants to the tailor, explaining that were from
Kalamazoo and that Joe had no other clothes with him.
As my husband stood in his skivvies with a curtain
draped around him, he asked the tailor, "How much will
this cost?"
There was a long pause before the tailor
addressed his co-worker. "Hey, Murray," he said with
a widening grin, "this guy comes all the way from
Kalamazoo to New York City with only one pair of
pants, he's standing in his underwear, and he wants to
know how much!" Sandra Berish (Kalamazoo, Mich.)
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One day I noticed that someone had inscribed the
words "Wash Me" in the layer of dirt covering a red
car parked outside my apartment building. Passing the
car the following day, I saw that the owner had
responded to the plea in an appropriate fashion. The
car was just as dirty as it had been the day before,
but the note had been modified to read "YOU Wash Me."
Gail Merten (Phoenix, AZ)
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During the holidays I accompanied my fiance and
his parents to a family dinner at the home of his aunt
and uncle. I was self-conscious but eager to make a
good impression. Dinner came to an end without any
mishaps on my part. Then as the table was cleared
before desert, I asked if I should keep my spoon.
All was quiet as the host eyes me solemnly. "I
don't know about that," he replied. "It's part of a
set." Kathleen O'Hagan (Narvon, PA)