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Thunderstorm Plea
An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping around the sky. One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him.
"Can't you do something?" she demanded angrily.
"I'm sorry ma'am," the Reverend said gently, "I'm in sales, not management."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"Would the person who lost a fat roll of hundred dollar bills, wrapped in a rubber band, please report to the Lost & Found Department - we found your rubber band."
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Thesaurus
Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.
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Consider all the changes we have witnessed .....
We were born before television, before penicillin, before
polio shots, before frozen foods, plastics, Xerox, contact lens, Frisbees and the PILL.
We were born before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laser beams, and ball point pens, and before panty hose, dishwashers, clothes dryers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drip-dry clothes and before man walked on the moon. We got married first and then lived together. How quaint can you be? In out time closets were for clothes, not coming out of. Bunnies were small rabbits and rabbits were not Volkswagens. Designer Jeans were scheming girls named Jean or Jeannie, and having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousin.
We thought fast food was what you ate during Lent, and outer Space was the back of Loews Theatre. We were born before house-husbands, gay rights, computer dating, and dual careers. We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, or guys wearing ear rings. For us time sharing meant togetherness and hardware and software weren't even words.
In 1939 "made in Japan" meant junk and the term "making out" referred to how you did on your exam. Pizzas, MacDonalds and instant coffee were unheard of. We hit the scene when there were 5 and 10 cent stores, where you bought things for 5 and 10 cents. For a nickel you could ride on the street car, make a phone call, but a Pepsi or enough stamps to mail one letter or 2 post cards, and gas for your car (if you had
one) was 11 cents a gallon.
In our day GRASS was mowed, COKE was a cold drink, and POT
was something you cooked in. ROCK MUSIC was Grandma's
lullaby and AIDS were helpers in the Principal's office. We were certainly not before the differences between the sexes was discovered, but were surely before the sex change. And, we were the last generation that was so dumb as to think you needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder we are so confused and there is such a generation gap today.
BUT WE SURVIVED!!!
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At a posh Manhattan dinner party, a Latin American visitor was telling the guests about this home country and himself. As he concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children."
As his listeners appeared to be waiting for him to continue, he said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."
Puzzled glances prompted him to try to clarify the matter: "What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable."
As his companions seemed amused, he floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language, explaining triumphantly, "That is, my wife, she is impregnable!"
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Old Photos
Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them
made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a
younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my first dates with my husband.
When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!" he said
with appreciation. "It's my old Plymouth!"
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Fruit Stand
A picky customer comes to a small food shop and sees a new delivery of
fresh fruit. "Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in
a separate piece of
paper, please," he says to the saleswoman. She does.
"And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every one in a
separate piece of paper, too." She does.
"And what is that there," he asks pointing out a bushel basket in the corner.
"Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they are not for sale!"
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"I was in the hospital," Thelma writes, "and my husband was visiting. He was trying to stop smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he got on the elevator.
A lady said to him, 'Sir, there's no smoking in here.' "My husband said, 'I'm not smoking.' " 'But you have a cigar in your mouth,' the lady said.
" 'Lady, ' my husband answered, 'I've got on Jockey shorts, too, but I'm not riding a horse either.' "
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A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."
There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room.
Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?