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Tax Colors
A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American.
"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."
The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"
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1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys
in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the
light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm
bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...
13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
14. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs
in a little circle ...
15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and
he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE
MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.
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Letters of Recommendation
How To Write A Recommendation Letter That You Don't Really Mean
=================================================================
THE PROBLEM
Having to write letters of recommendation for people with very dubious
qualifications can cause serious legal troubles in a time when laws have
eroded the confidentiality of business letters. In most states, job
applicants have the right to read the letters of recommendations and can even file suit against the writer if the contents
are negative.
THE SOLUTION
Here is an arsenal of statements that can be read two ways: You are able to
state a negative opinion of the ex-employees poor work habits, while
allowing the ex-employee to believe that it is high praise. When the writer
uses these, whether perceived correctly or not by the ex-employee, the
phrases are virtually litigation-proof.
1. To describe a person who is extremely lazy:
"In my opinion," you say as sincerely as you can manage, "you will be very
fortunate to get this person to work for you."
2. To describe a person who is totally inept:
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications
whatsoever."
3. To describe an ex-employee who had problems getting along with fellow
workers:
"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine."
4. To describe a candidate who is so unproductive that the job would be
better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
5. To describe a job applicant who is not worth further consideration: "I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of
employment."
6. To describe a person with lackluster credentials:
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or
recommend him too highly."
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FUNNIES ~
1.A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is
two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead
giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a
banana.
4. A backwards poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In
feudalism it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it
off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll
show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is
fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum Blown apart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge
it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down
under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find
the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it
taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory that was never
developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison
was a small medium
at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be
exposed in the end.
24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a
mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair
she thought she'd
dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know
basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the
agony of defeat.
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The Shepherd
A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture
when suddenly a brand-new Jeep Cherokee appeared out
of a dust cloud, advanced toward him and stopped. The
driver, a 24-year-old young man wearing a Brioni suit,
Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie, leaned
out of the window and asked our shepherd, "If I can
tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your
flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the young guy, then at his
peacefully grazing flock, and calmly answered, "Sure."
The young man parked his car, whipped out his notebook computer, connected it to a cell phone, surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, then opened up a database and some Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. He finally printed out a 150-page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turned around to our shepherd and said, "You have here exactly 1,586 sheep!"
"Amazing! That's correct! Like I agreed, you can
take one of my sheep," said the shepherd. The shepherd
watched the man make a selection and bundle it into
his Cherokee.
When he was finished the sheepherder said, "If I can
tell you exactly what your political persuasion is,
where you're from and who you work for, will you give
me my sheep back?"
"Okay, why not," answered the young man.
"You're a Democrat from Palm Beach and you're working
for Jesse Jackson," said the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," said the young man. "How did
you ever guess that?"
"Easy," answered the shepherd. "Nobody called you, but
you showed up here anyway. You want to be paid for
providing a solution to a question I already knew the
answer to. And, you don't know squat about what
you're doing because you just took my dog!"
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What Kind of Bone Are You?
It's been said that the "body" of a church has four
kinds of bones:
The WISHbones -- those who wish someone else would do
all the work.
the JAWbones -- who do all the talking and very
little else.
The KNUCKLEbones -- who knock everything anyone else
tries to do.
The BACKbones --who get under the load and get the
work done.
Which one are you???
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Aunty Karen
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at
the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one
by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot
of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs
to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup
when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs
went flying and broke and made a mess."
What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our
family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the
meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when
they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the
moral to this story is, don't count your chickens
before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a
story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt
Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert
Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over
enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of
whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the
whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then
she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until
she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more
with the machete till the blade broke. And then she
killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind
of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible
story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"