Final Countdown
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"
"Nine..."
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Ant Jokes
Where do ants go for their holidays?
Frants!
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant!
What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics?
All sorts of antics!
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater!
Why did the elephant put his trunk across the path?
To trip up the ants!
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Beautiful Choir
It was visitors' day at the lunatic asylum. All the patients were standing out in the courtyard and singing, "Ave Maria", and singing it beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.
A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the conductor. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."
"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.
"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"
"In the beginning this was a big problem. One inmate wanted to call them the "Big Apple with Little Brown Seeds Singing Sons of Siam". But I said it was too long and, anyway, none of them were from
"Well," the visitor asked, "What name did they finally agree on?"
"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor. "They all agreed to call themselves"...are you ready for this?...
"THE MORON TAPANAPPLE CHOIR"
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Feeling Old
When he was about 8, my son asked me when I was born.
I replied "63."
After a thoughtful pause he asked " What 63?"
It took me a minute to realize he was asking me if I was born in 1863 or 1963.
I asked him if he thought I was over a hundred.
He just said "well..." and was reluctant to say any more.
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Tourist Speak
Traveling through
"What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
"All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has to live in this ugly, moth-eaten, dust-covered dump, or by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms for a short spell."
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Biggest Lie
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of
about a dozen boys, all between 10 and 12 years of age. The group had
surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he
went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
Vernie replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray.
We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've
decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to
keep the dog."
Of course, the Reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be
having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a
ten minute sermon against lying, beginning with, "Don't you boys know
it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I
never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the Reverend was
beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the Vernie boy gave
a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
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"According to a new medical study, barbecuing is bad for
your prostate. Well, I'm glad they got this out in time.
I was going to barbecue my prostate this weekend. I had no
idea it's bad for you." -Jay Leno
***
"As kids, instead of building sandcastles, we'd make sand
sculptures of naked women. It was tricky though, cause we
didn't know what naked women looked like. I grew up in
her coat off. I thought a cardigan was an erogenous zone."
-Craig Ferguson
***
"Today was actually a very lucky day for me. I woke up this
morning, and I got an unbelievable e-mail. Apparently, a
Nigerian prince left me $47 million. And all I have to do
to claim it, is pay a $500 filing fee. So you won't have me
to kick around anymore." -Jimmy Kimmel
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Doug asks, "I know you're crazy about that little daughter
of yours, Bill. What are you going to do when she starts to
date?"
Bill says, "I figure I'll take the first young man aside,
put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me
so that only he can hear. Then I'll say, "Do you see that
sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter, and I
love her very much. If you were thinking about touching,
kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any
way, just remember...I don't mind going back to prison."
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Subject: FASHION
Many of us [those over 40, WAY over 40, or hovering near 40]
are quite confused about how we should present ourselves.
We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and
whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current
fashions. Despite what you may have seen, the following com-
binations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirt and support hose
5. Ankle bracelet and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly ring and a gall bladder scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirt and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirt and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind
when you shop!
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Water
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
"Da-ad..." "What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
"Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
"Five minutes later...
"Daaaa-aaaad..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"