TactfulSome of the most tactful people on Earth are our English friends. A British office supervisor once called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired. He started the conversation with: "Miss Symthe, I really don't know how we're going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we're going to try."
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Home Donations
A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can."
"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each."
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"True friends stab you in the front." - Oscar Wilde
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Thanks to Donna Jacob for today's Illustration. - Rumors
On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.
The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
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How to Place New Employees in a Proper DepartmentTake the prospective employees you are trying to place andput them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leavethem alone for two hours, without any instruction. At theend of that time, go back and see what they are doing.If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign themto Finance.If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, sendthem to Consulting.If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spotfor them.If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut,Computer Information Systems is their niche.If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined forthe Help Desk.If they mention what a good price we got for the table andchairs, put them into Purchasing.If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come fromrainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.If they are writing up the experience, send them to theTechnical Documents team.If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assignthem to Security.If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, sendthem to Marketing.If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
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Dear Diary,Last year I replaced all the windows in my house withthose expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.But this week I got a call from the contractor whoinstalled them, complaining that his work had beencompleted a whole year ago, and I had yet to pay forthem.Boy oh boy, did we go around!! Just because I'm blondedoesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talkingsales guy had told me last year: namely, that in oneyear the windows would pay for themselves.There was silence on the other end of the line, so Ijust hung up... and I have not heard back.Guess I won that stupid argument!
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Thanks to TC: Hillary Depressed...A man notices a police officer walking between thelines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window andasks, "Officer, what's the hold up?" The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is depressed, soshe stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douseherself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She saysher husband has spent all her money and the Democratstold her to forget about running for President in2008, so we're taking up a collection for her. The stock broker asks, "How much do you have you sofar?" The officer replies "About 75 gallons, but a lot offolks are still siphoning...
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Stress No MoreBy learning how to manage stress, we can prevent itfrom causing serious problems. Here are some tipsfrom Diabetes Forecast (July 2002): *Get up earlier so you don't have to rush.*Don't gulp lunch at your desk. Take a walk and enjoya change of scenery. You'll be focused and accomplishmore when you get back.*When you start to feel overwhelmed, take a minute tobreathe in and out slowly.*Learn how to meditate and set aside time to do it twoor three times a day.*See a counselor who does cognitive and behavioraltherapy. This kind of therapy zooms right to theheart of the problem. Together, you can identifywhich of your ideas and behaviors worsens your stress,and you work on changing your response to the stress.*Say "no" to demands on your time that would overloadyou. You then have more time for what really matters,such as family. *Get a full night's sleep. Most people need 9 hours!*Make time each week for activities you enjoy. The Unstoppable VirusI thought you would want to know about this e-mailvirus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton orMcAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears toaffect those who were born prior to 1965. Symptoms:1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. donethat!2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! that too!3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sentit to you. who me?5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well shucks!6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. ohno - not again!7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." andI just hate that!8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
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Go Git Yo Mamma
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma.... "