Wednesday, September 14, 2005

hUMOR For Sept. 14th

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Farewell Song

There was a woman who spent some months serving at a religious
mission in Kenya. On her final visit to a remote township she
attended a medical clinic. As the Maasai women there began to sing
together, she found herself deeply moved by their hauntingly
beautiful harmonies.

She wanted to always remember so she recorded this moment and would
share it with friends when she arrived home. With tears flowing down
her cheeks, she turned to her friend and asked, "Can you please tell
me the translation of the words to this song?"

Her friend looked at her an solemnly replied, "If you boil the water,
you won't get dysentery."
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Most Difficult Case
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over dinner, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."
"What was the result?"
"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"
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CleanQuote.
"When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it." - Bernard Bailey
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Imagination
A golfer went to see his doctor. He was suffering from major stress syndrome. The doctor asked him if he played golf, to which the golfer replied "I play at it, it's a very frustrating game, but I love it."
The doctor told him that the next time he played, he should use an imaginary ball. The golfer was a little embarrassed, but he decided to give it a try.
So he went out on a week day so his normal golfing buddies wouldn't see him, and proceeded to tee up an imaginary ball. Lo and behold, he birdied the first hole! He was playing the best game he had ever played, with birdie or eagle on every hole, as he approached the 9th green. Another single gentleman had been playing ahead of him and watching this game with much curiosity.
The second golfer waited before he teed off on the 10th hole and asked the first golfer if he would like to join him. They did, and as they played the 10th hole, the second golfer asked him what he was doing.
The first golfer explained that his doctor had told him to play a round of golf with an imaginary ball to relieve his stress, and it was working.
Well, of course, the second golfer said he had stress and asked if it would be all right to play with an imaginary ball, also.
The first golfer said "Sure!"
They now approach the 18th hole, short par 4, and both men are tied to this point in their round. The second golfer teed his imaginary ball, took a stroke, and started jumping up and down shouting, "Ace! I win!"
The first golfer only turned to him, smiled, and said "No, I won. That was my ball."
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From Yesterday...

>From a friend... Truth Revealed: Scientists Say 'It
Ain't So!' Written by TomFoolery

The Proof is in This Pudding

As the saying goes, the sayings go. Culminating
centuries of exhaustive, painstaking research, multidisciplinary researchers have taken on some of the toughest adages in historical culture and proven them WRONG!!

While much of the work is still being done, scientists
at the Mother Goose and Grimm Institute For What It’s
Worth Foundation felt it imperative that the world be
told so the myths, rumors, innuendoes and lies will be perpetuated no more.

Below are numbers five through one of the most used
rules of thumb that have been found to be false:

5. DON’T PUT ALL YOUR EGGS IN ONE BASKET: Says who?
Researchers ventured to chicken coops from Maine to
Minnesota and gathered eggs from pigeons all the way
up to ostriches. But, they did do one thing that made
a lot of sense. They took a big enough basket in every instance, with adequate insulation and shockproof. Not a single egg was broken, even after purposely dropping the most innocuous-looking container. After this evolution, it didn’t take rocket science to figure out why the truth technicians cried “FOWL!”

4. A WATCHED POT NEVER BOILS: It’s hard to believe
even blondes would buy into this one. But, then again,
it’s like alcohol and gasoline, blondes and stoves
don’t mix. Anyway, culinary connoisseurs concocted
everything from bouillabaisse to old socks in pots,
ewers and kettles of every size imaginable. Heat
levels ranged from very low to extremely high. Turns
out, no matter whether they were watched or not, every
single one of them eventually boiled, though the pot
with old socks was terminated at mid-point because the
stench was just too much. Analysts are still wondering
who cooked this one up.

3. YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR: You can thank researchers
for sacrificing theirs and saving you money on this
one. With eBay as their arena of choice to conduct
this trial, savvy seekers opened their wallets and
threw more than caution to the wind. Numerous random
purchases were made from around the world from what
were purported to be reliable merchants. In nearly
every occasion, scientists ponied up the dough, but
they’re still waiting, some as long as two years, to
receive their merchandise. This one has prompted
further in-depth analysis of the old saying ALL THINGS
COME TO HE WHO WAITS. Jury’s still out on that one,
too. So, you’re better off to Caveat Emptor and just
go to the store.

2. BETTER LATE THAN NEVER: Don’t learn this one the
hard way. The best example of how wrong this one is
comes to us from the airline industry. Veracity
verifiers booked coach, business and first class seats
on domestic and international flights on both US and
foreign carriers. Not a single passenger who showed up
as few as five minutes after the last boarding call
reached his or her destination. So, if you’re a Johnny-come-lately, you’ll probably end up on a bus.

1. THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE: Nothing could be
further from the truth. Fact-finders found this one
easy to debunk. With captive subjects galore at
maximum to minimum security prisons from coast to
coast, this exercise required hardly any effort at
all. It didn’t take much to convince even the most
hardened criminals to come clean and admit their
crimes. But that did little to sway parole boards that
flatly refused to release them. So, the truth won’t
pull any strings for you…no lie!