A Washington, DC, airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble:
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!) 2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to Explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response: click! 3. A senior Vermont congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!" (OMG) 4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map." (OMG, again!) 5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time." (Aghhhh) 6. An Illinois congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m. and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that. 7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing), I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. 8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?" 9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them." 10. A lady senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!" 11. A senior senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!" 12. A New Mexico congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal." Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!
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Department BaseballAn interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing department and the support staff of one company.The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly.To show just "how" the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2006 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game."
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A contestant on "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" had reached
the final plateau. If she answered the next question
correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered
incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone
money.
As she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question
was no pushover: Which of the following species of birds
does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in
the nests of other birds?
Is it:
A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And
she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50
Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained
was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped
against hope that she would not have to use it because the
only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a
blonde. But the contestant had no alternative.
She called her friend and gave her the question and the four
choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The
answer is C: The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She
considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any
answer except the one that her friend had given her. And
considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to
be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde
had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the
contestant could not help but be persuaded. "I need an
answer," said Regis.
"C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer."
Two seconds later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that
the answer is ... absolutely correct. You are now a
millionaire!"
A few days later, the contestant hosted a party for her
family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her
win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to
thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing
the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire.
And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness
with which you answered the question that convinced me to go
with your choice. By the way, how did you happen to know the
right answer?"
"Oh, come on!" said the blonde. "Everybody knows that
cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
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Late for Work
Hugh came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time. Hugh?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change." Hugh sighed and said, "Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office." "You'll have to do better than that. Hugh," replied the boss, disappointed. "No woman can be ready in ten minutes."
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Physical Problems
A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom Salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse. "Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked. "No," replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. "I could only do about 15 minutes!"
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Brooklyn Lawyer
A Brooklyn lawyer named Ernie successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms. As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm and says, "Young man, where are your scruples? Isn't there anyone too low for you to defend?" "I don't know," Ernie replies, "What have you done?"
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For The Kids...
How do snails get their shells so shiny?They use snail varnish! Where do you find giant snails?At the end of giants fingers! Why is the snail the strongest animal?Because he carries a house on his back!