********************************
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.
He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything
she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds
or less.
"And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services are pending.
********************************
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to
work at McDonald's.
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to
do.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.
Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a
living.
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when his bag
was full of loot.
Misty \mis'-tee\: How some golfers create divots.
Paradox \par'-uh-doks\: two physicians.
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm.
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with.
Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of
the TV.
Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress \seem'-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size
six.
Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued \sub-dood'\: like, a guy, like, works on one of
those, like, submarines, man.
Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government.
This is soooTRUE! The worst drivers have signs
like
"Baby on Board"... etc.
Subject: A logical mistake.
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed
out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light
turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk,
even though he could have beaten the red light by
accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof and the horn,
screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to
get through the intersection. As she was still in
mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked
up
into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her
hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was
searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed
in
a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached
the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back
to the booking desk where the arresting officer was
waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You
see, I pulled up behind your car while you were
blowing your
horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and
cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose
Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus
Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School'
bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian
fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
********************************
THE LIVING DEAD
The following two military stories are reported to be
true:
A young lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the
peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land
mines, the captain asked for questions.
Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we
do happen to step on a mine, sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in
the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
********************************
During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep
got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging
around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a
couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them
under the wheels to give us some traction."
********************************
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT
CAN'T
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're
full of baloney.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet
it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to
humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you
people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being
smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a
message..
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand
a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the mess-up fairy has visited us
again...
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young
and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of
strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just
don't give a hoot.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over
your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial
misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged
by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't
mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine
is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of
Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are
largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny- opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with
fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most
of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you
missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a
door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door
#1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is
done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just
wanted pay checks.
********************************
New Preacher
As a new minister, I wanted my first holiday services
to be both attractive and meaningful.
The Christmas Eve service included a candle-lighting
ceremony in which each congregant lit a candle from
his neighbor's candle. At the conclusion of the
ceremony, the congregation sat hushed, pondering the
beauty of the moment.
I rose to announce a hymn and was taken completely by
surprise when laughter broke out in response to my
invitation:
"Now that everyone is lit, let's sing joy to the
world."
********************************
Universal Time
A customer calls the round-the-clock tech support hotline to ask what hours
the call center is open.
"The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week," says the
technician who answers the call.
Customer asks, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"