Getting YoungerOld Sam Johnson goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health."Sam, you're in excellent shape for an 85 year old man. But I'm not a magician - I can't make you any younger," says the doctor."Who asked you to make me younger?" says Sam. "You just make sure I get older!"
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We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and
several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At
one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar
for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by
asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"
There was silence.
Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you
can move diagonally."
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Parking Meter
On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken." A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building. "What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter. "There's plenty of time left!"
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It Just Shows Stars
A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem. "The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says. "Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password." "Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."
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Blonde & Overhead Transparancy
Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency? A: She turned it over and used the other side.
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For The Kids...
How do you start an insect race?One, two, flea - go! How do you find where a flea has bitten you?Start from scratch! What is a flea's favorite book?The itch-hikers guide to the galaxy! Which fish can perform operations?A Sturgeon!
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As a ski instructor, I sometimes tease my little pupils. Once I told seven
year old Luke that if my skis were faster than his, it was because I'd waxed
them with butter.
The next morning his grandmother came to class with him. She took me aside
and said, "We had no butter left for breakfast. Luke had spread it all over
his skis, claiming that it was the proper way to wax them. I think you
should tell the children that instead of listening to nonsense from other
beginners, they should only take advice from their teacher."
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School ExcusesPlease excuse my child from school today...Loose vowels from absent minded parents!
[These are real notes written by parents in an Alabama school district. Spellings and grammar have been left intact...]1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.3. Dear school: please excuse john being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.4. Please excuse Gloria from jim today. She is administrating.5. Please excuse Roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.11. Please excuse Leslie from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday we thought it was Sunday.17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
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Deck Of Cards PatientWhen you're not dealt a full deck...
“Doctor, Doctor!” a man says to a psychiatrist.“You've got to help me! I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!”“Sit over there,” the shrink says. “I'll deal with you later.”
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Cannibal World RecordWhen a promotion at work is sometimes hard to stomach…
Some Guinness World Record staff were on a safari in the jungles of a little-explored faraway country when they were captured by cannibals.“Oh, yes!” the chief of the tribe exclaimed. “We’re going to put you all into big pots of water, cook you and eat you.”“You can’t do that to me,” said Craig Glenday. “I’m the editor at Guinness World Records!”“Well,” the cannibal responded, “tonight you will be editor-in-chief!”