I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO POST NEW hUMOR UNTIL SEPTEMBER. KEEP SMILING ;-)
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Here is today's CleanPun.
Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?
He's fully recovered!
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I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.
I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son.
He looked at me very carefully and asked: "Does she like you?"
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WORKING PEOPLE FREQUENTLY ASK RETIRED PEOPLE WHAT THEY DO TO MAKE THEIR DAYS INTERESTING.
I WENT TO THE STORE THE OTHER DAY. I WAS ONLY IN THERE FOR ABOUT 5 MINUTES.
WHEN I CAME OUT THERE WAS A CITY COP WRITING OUT A PARKING TICKET.I WENT UP TO HIM AND SAID, "COME ON, BUDDY, HOW ABOUT GIVING A SENIOR A BREAK?"HE IGNORED ME AND CONTINUED WRITING THE TICKET.I CALLED HIM A NAME. HE GLARED AT ME AND STARTED WRITING ANOTHER TICKET FOR HAVING WORN TIRES.SO I CALLED HIM A WORSE NAME. HE FINISHED THE SECOND TICKET AND PUT IT ON THE WINDSHIELD WITH THE FIRST.THEN HE STARTED WRITING A THIRD TICKET.THIS WENT ON FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES. THE MORE I ABUSED HIM THE MORE TICKETS HE WROTE.I DIDN'T CARE.
MY CAR WAS PARKED AROUND THE CORNER AND THIS ONE HAD A "ELECT JOHN KERRY" BUMPER STICKER ON IT.I TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN EACH DAY NOW THAT I'M RETIRED.
IT'S IMPORTANT AT OUR AGE.
********************************** A group of golfers were telling tall stories. At last came a veteran's turn. "Well," he said, "I once drove a ball, accidentally of course, through a cottage window. The ball knocked over an oil lamp and the place caught on fire!"
"What did you do?" asked his friends.
"Oh," said the veteran, "I immediately teed another ball, took careful aim, and hit the fire alarm on Main Street.
That brought out the fire engine before any major damage was done."
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Bears
A couple were vacationing in Yosemite. The wife expressed her concern about
camping because of bears and said she would feel more comfortable in a
motel. The husband said that he'd like to camp and to calm her concerns,
they'd talk to the park ranger to see what the likelihood of a bear
encounter would be.
The ranger told them, "Well, we haven't seen any grizzlies in this area so
far this year, or black bears, for that matter."
The wife shrieked, "There's TWO types of bears out here? How can you tell
the difference? Which one is more dangerous?"
The ranger replied, "Well, that's easy, see, if the bear chases you up a
tree and it comes up after you, it's a BLACK bear. If it SHAKES the tree
until you fall out, it's a grizzly."
The motel room was quite nice.