Looking Good
Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"
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A Single Woman's Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
Who's not afraid to admit when he is wrong
One who thinks before he speaks.
When he promises to call, he doesn't wait six weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
Won't lose his cool when he's annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh send me a man who will make love to my mind.
Know what to say when I ask, "How fat is my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a' itchin'
He brings ME a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen.
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never compare me to my best friend.
Thank you in advance and now I'll just wait,
For I know you will send him before it's too late.
Amen
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Children at PlayAs newlyweds, my wife and I hosted a family get-together at our apartment, which had a large grassy field and superb children's playground next door. My wife organized games outdoors for our eight nieces and nephews, and the laughter and activity drew other children, until about thirty kids were playing and clamoring for my wife's attention. After three hours, she called it quits.The next morning while we were getting ready for work, two boys knocked on our patio door and asked if our children could come out and play. I told them we had no children; our nieces and nephews had just been visiting. Looking momentarily dejected, they brightened considerably as they asked, "Well, then, can your wife come out and play?"
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"We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath.
'Well, I'm bored...let's go brush our teeth.' Or, 'I've got
to make a phone call, hold this gum in your mouth.'"
--Brad Stine
***
"Looking through the want ads last week, I came across a job
that required a college degree or the equivalent. Finally,
I thought, my eight years of high school are paying off."
--Buzz Nutley
***
"Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a
comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in
an infantile fantasy land where every problem can be solved
with violence." --Bill Maher
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A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he
says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a
vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever
happens, just pull the plug."
"OK," says his wife as she gets up and unplugs the TV.
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I had worked late, and my Labrador was so overjoyed to see
me arrive home that he jumped up just as I leaned down.
Our heads collided, and I sported an impressive shiner for
several weeks.
I had to repeat frequently to co-workers and friends how I
came by it, and one day on the elevator, a secretary whom
I hadn't seen for some time looked at my black eye and ex-
claimed, "My goodness, what happened to you?"
"The dog did it," I wearily replied.
A man standing next to us looked over at me and said
knowingly, "Ahh, you must own a boxer."
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Bread Facts
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users. 2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests. 3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations. 4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread. 5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days. 6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts. 7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person. 8. Newborn babies can choke on bread. 9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute. 10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
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Cremate Me
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated." "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?" The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"
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ollege Exam Plea
O Lord, hear my anxious pleaCalculus is killing meI know not of 'dx' or 'dy'And probably won't until the day I die. Please, Lord, help me in this hourAs I take my case to the highest power.I care not for fame or lootJust help me find one square root. And Lord, please let me seeOne passing mark in organic chemistry.Oh such a thing I constantly dreadI'd just as soon join the Marines instead. Lord, please give me a signThat you've been listening all the time.Please lead me out of this constant comaAnd give me a shot at my diploma.
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Under 18
A blonde walks into a bar and orders 18 beers. “Why so many?” asked the bartender. “Can’t you read the sign?” replied the blonde, “It says ‘no one served under 18.’”
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Agriculture Subsidy
Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.
Dear Sir:
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a
check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs.
So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next
year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best
kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best
breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I
approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental
policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if
that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as
gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in
keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't
raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the
business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so,
and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until
this year when he got your check for $1,000 for not raising
hogs.
If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000
for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale
at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not
raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I
can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat
100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay
farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for
payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the
4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so
send me any information you have on that too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will
be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and
food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours,
PS: Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute
more free cheese.