Thong Cure
An Indian consulted his medicine man about a pain in his stomach that had persisted for three months.
"For something as long as that," said the Medicine Man, "I have a more drastic remedy than the herbs I normally prescribe. Chew on this leather thong every day. It is 31 inches long: chew one inch every day, and at the next moon come back."
The Indian dutifully did as directed, and at the next moon he returned to the Medicine Man.
"How do you feel?" the Medicine Man asked.
"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
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Cloudy Clothing
What do clouds wear under their clothes?
Thunderware.
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Kid Bites Back
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
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Harvard Grads
Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were all excited and talking effusively as they got into a taxi in downtown
After hearing them for a couple of minutes the cab driver asked, "You men Harvard graduates?"
"Yes Sir! Class of '94!" they answered proudly.
The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Class of '58."
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Liars
A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment
for the next week.
"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars,
and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the
Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."
The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting,
the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared
for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark,
please step to the front of the room."
About half the class rose and came forward.
"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher. "These
students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no
Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."
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"Today is National Tequila Day! That means tomorrow is
National Wake Up in a Dumpster Day." -Craig Ferguson
***
"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at
the people he gave it to." --Dorothy Parker
***
"People are going on dates now to coffee bars. This is the
worst idea. Four cappuccinos later, your date doesn't look
any better." --Margot Black
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My wife and I take turns walking our five-year-old daughter
to the bus stop for school every morning. Today was my turn,
and as me and all the other moms in the neighborhood waited
one of them asked me to say hello to my wife.
"I will," I said. "it'll make her feel better. She has
pneumonia..."
"Oh, poor girl," they all said in unison.
One of them crooked her eyebrow at me and said, "I hope
you're helping her with the kids, the cooking and cleaning."
"I can't," I said pointing to the band aid on my index finger.
"Hangnail."
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The state trooper pulled Mr. Schwarz over and, after in-
specting his license and registration, informed the motorist
that he was going to have to spend the night in jail.
"What's the charge? Mr. Schwarz demanded.
"None," replied the officer. "It's all part of the service."
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Postal service says sorry for mail mix-up
FAREHAM, England (UPI) -- Britain's Royal Mail service has apologized to an elderly man who says he's furious his mail has been going to someone else's home for nearly two decades.
Raymond Southwell, 76, said he's been calling the mail service for 19 years, trying to ensure his mail is delivered to his home in
Southwell said postal workers frequently tell him the problem is fixed, but his mail continues to end up at another man's home nearby.
"It's absolutely ridiculous. Why it has happened for so long, I don't know. It's not even that the post isn't correctly addressed because it always is," Southwell told reporters.
Royal Mail employees said they are doing everything they can to correct the mistake.
"We apologize to Mr Southwell for any inconvenience caused and can assure we've taken steps to prevent this happening again in the future," Royal Mail spokeswoman Jane Thomas said.
Copyright 2008 by United Press International
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Perhaps
Waiting for a flight, a woman was seated in the waiting area with two boys. The younger one asked, "Mommy, when we get home, will you take us to the zoo?"
"Perhaps," she answered.
"What does 'perhaps', mean?" he asked.
The older brother answered, "Not likely to happen."
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What My Mother Taught Me
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.'
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
'Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going
to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You're going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!'