How to Photograph a New Puppy1. Remove film from box and load camera.2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.4. Choose a suitable background for photo.5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.13. Put magazines back on coffee table.14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"17. Clean up mess.18. Fix a drink.19. Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
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Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep in his chair.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10 percent discount.
Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys
work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the
basement, attic, or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their
adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to
school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
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Hi Jack
I have a friend who is a pilot on a 747. I said "Hi Jack." He shot me.
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Air conditioner trouble
A salesman for a mobile home dealership had a customer call him about this problem: The customer called and said she was having problems with her air conditioner. She said, "Mr. X, we are about to freeze to death! I keep turning it down but it won't turn off!"
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Sahara Desert
A man is lost in the Sahara desert. He used up the last of his water three days ago and he's lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling, "Mush! Mush!" Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time -- "Mush! Mush!" Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun and sees, of all things, an Eskimo bundled up in furs driving a sled with a team of huskies across the dunes. Thinking that it's a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it's for real! He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked voice calls, "He-elp!" The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo, "I don't know what you're doing here, or why, but thank God you are! I've been wandering around this desert for days, my water's all gone and I'm completely lost!" The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and says, "YOU'RE lost?!"
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For The Kids...
If Atlas supported the world on his shoulders, who supported Atlas? His wife! What's the moral of the story about Jonah and the whale?You can't keep a good man down! Who designed Noah's ark?An ark-itect! When did Caesar reign?I didn't know he reigned.Of course he did, didn't they hail him? Teacher: Where is your homework?Pupil: I left it in my shirt and my mother put it in the washing machine
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Fortune cookie mistake
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.On Saturday last, I had dinner at a local Chinese restaurant. My fortune read:"You will gain admiration from your pears."Comice? Bartlett? Canned? I don't grow or eat them, anyway.
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Strange grants given
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.LOS ANGELES TIMES, September 14:According to a database maintained by Academic Guidance Services, there are 3,000 scholarships earmarked for golf caddies, newspaper carriers, glee clubbers, and band members.Juanita College in Pennsylvania gives grants to needy left-handers.Parents whose children were born on June 12, 1979 can plan ahead to apply for a scholarship to the Rochester Institute of Technology in honor of the school's 150th anniversary.Bucknell University gives grants to students who do not use alcohol, tobacco, or narcotics and don't engage in strenuous activities.A judge in Seattle uses the fines he collects from prostitutes to finance scholarships for their reformed sisters who want to return to school.
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Strange grants given
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.LOS ANGELES TIMES, September 14:According to a database maintained by Academic Guidance Services, there are 3,000 scholarships earmarked for golf caddies, newspaper carriers, glee clubbers, and band members.Juanita College in Pennsylvania gives grants to needy left-handers.Parents whose children were born on June 12, 1979 can plan ahead to apply for a scholarship to the Rochester Institute of Technology in honor of the school's 150th anniversary.Bucknell University gives grants to students who do not use alcohol, tobacco, or narcotics and don't engage in strenuous activities.A judge in Seattle uses the fines he collects from prostitutes to finance scholarships for their reformed sisters who want to return to school
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The Hokey Pokey - Shakespearean Style
Original Lyrics Put your left foot in, Your left foot out,Your left foot in,And shake it all about.You do the hokey pokeyAnd turn yourself aroundThat's what it's all about. Shakespearean Style O proud left foot, that ventures quick within Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt.Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.
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Actual Answers From Students On Music Exams
- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna. - Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines. - Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony. - All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants. - Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue. - Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco. - A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals. - Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing. - Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys. - A harp is a nude piano. - Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing. - I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say. - My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music. - Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. - Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano concerti.
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For The Kids...
Knock KnockWho's there?Miniature!Miniature who?Miniature open the door, I'll tell you! Knock KnockWho's there?Minneapolis!Minneapolis who?Minneapolis a day keeps the doctor away! Knock KnockWho's there?Minnie!Minnie who?Minnie more! Knock KnockWho's there?Minnie!Minnie who?No not Minnie-who - Minnehaha! Knock KnockWho's there?Minsk!Minsk who?Minsk meat!