"Rest Stop"
I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.
Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this ... all the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!
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Oneliner
"My girlfriend is at that stage when her biological clock is telling her it's time for her to be making me feel guilty and immature." - Kevin Hench
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"Vatican Card"
The Vatican Express Card. Don't leave Rome without it.++++++++++++++++++
How To Unsubscribe
by Robert Byron
To unsubscribe from this service you must first purchase a Craft-O-Matic
Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit. The unit can be obtained from
most hardware stores and dental clinics. Be sure to obtain the proper
permits to operate the unit from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission and the
Food and Drug Administration in Washington D.C. USA.
Be sure to carefully unpack the kit and place each component in its
accompanying mesh safety bag. Mount the Pershing DF4 mesinator on top of the
perforated Gerring Mach 77 refibulator and attach them using the
eight-millimeter torque fork. Be sure that the refibulator is mounted at a
66 degree angle and properly dispersed so that it is flush with the curved
section of the Pyrex thistle tube. Place the four sections of the triangular
separation gear into the posture cylinder and lock them into place using the
band aid adhesive strip. Insert the wiggling pin into the wobbling hole,
making sure that it seated correctly. Place the D cell battery and the
eleven 9 volt batteries in the power chamber.
The device should be calibrated before operation using the optional digital
corkscrew accessory pack prior to operation. Insert the digital corkscrew
through the electronic combustion service chamber using caution not to touch
the reinforced tungsten igniter control module and quickly turn the inverter
drive to 28.6 degrees. Turn the Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription
Cancellation Unit upside down and hit the bottom plate with a 48-ounce
ball-peen hammer while shaking the unit vigorously. Force open the door to
the incineration valve compartment and set the pressure gauge to 719 psi.
Close the door and seal it shut with duct tape. The unit should now be
properly calibrated and ready to use.
Before activating the Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription Cancellation
Unit, you must first elevate it to a height of 229 feet above sea level to
insure that the unit receives the proper oxygen level and barometric
pressure. Point the aerial to 17 degrees north by northeast to within the
parameters of the Telstar GS-2 weather satellite and apply pressure to the
wing shaft on the southern most section of the modular accelerator. Using
the special ratchet adapter supplied with the unit, rotate the heater core
to the "on" position. The "on" position has been obtained when the green
light begins to flash, signifying that the red light is about to go off.
Once the red light is off, flip the toggle switch labeled "ON/OFF" to the
"ON" position and count to 47 before logging on to the system. Logon using
your username and password and wait for the prompt. Once prompted you must
check the box with the appropriate action you wish to take and then press
the pressure release button and turn off the compressor while turning the
hand crank at 231 meters per minute. Next, press control, alt, delete, caps
lock, shift, number lock, escape and tab simultaneously. Press enter. You
will have one second to complete the procedure. If you fail to respond in
the time limit allowed, simply purchase a new Craft-O-Matic Adjustable
Subscription Cancellation Unit and start from the beginning.
Please remember that this is the only way we will accept for you to
unsubscribe from this service. We have made every attempt to simplify the
procedure for your convenience. Failure to comply with the unsubscribe
policy will result in immediate termination of your subscription so please
follow the above directions closely.
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"How's this for a stupid idea? A California state senator has proposed an
amendment to the State Constitution that would lower the voting age to 14.
You know what would happen if we allowed 14 year olds to vote? We'd probably
wind up with an action hero as governor of the state." - Jay Leno
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My husband works as a service technician for a large
exterminating company. One of the rules of the company is
that he has to confirm each appointment by phone the night
before his service call to that household.
One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the
phone, he said, "Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control
Company. Your wife phoned us."
There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man
on the other end say, "Honey, it's for you. Someone wants to
talk to you about your relatives."
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Dan Passes Out!
Dan decides one day that he is sick and tired of all these jokes and how he is perceived as stupid, so he decides to show Schar he is really smart.
While Schar's off at work, he decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after Schar leaves for work, he gets down to the task at hand.
Schar arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
She walks into the living room and finds Dan lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
She notices that he is wearing a ski jacket and a thick sweater at the same time.
She goes over and asks him if he is ok.
He replies yes.
She asks what he is doing.
He replies that he wanted to prove to her that he's not dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
She then asks him why he has a ski jacket over his sweater.
He replies that he was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.