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SawmillTwo men were working at the sawmill and one guy got too close to the saw and cut his ear off. It fell in the sawdust pit so he jumped down into the pit and was hunting around trying to find it. The second guy saw him and hollered down, "What're you doing?" The first man said that he had cut off his ear and was looking for it. The second guy said, "I'll help you" and jumped in the pit. He was searching around on his hands and knees and then hollered, "I found it!" The first guy took it and examined it closely, then said, "Keep looking. Mine had a pencil behind it."
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An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk aroundthe local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone, he said,"There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars,but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and ifanyone has gone to heaven, he has."They walked on a bit farther and then came to another grave.The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now there'sa different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars,and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyonehas gone to hell, he has."The little boy thought for a while and then said, "You know,Grandpa, you are very lucky.""Why?" asked the old man in surprise."Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money todraw on."
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Ball Markers
A Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers.
The golf pro says, "Yes, they are just $1.00 each. "
The guy gives the golf pro a dollar and says he'll take one.
The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in the tray and with a big smile hands the guy a quarter.
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room." - Winston Churchill
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Here is today's Illustration. - Wedding Verses
A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."
The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18":
"For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."
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From a Friend:1.If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send yourbid by FedEx.2.If your computer says "Printer out of paper", thisproblem cannot be solved by clicking the "OK" button.3.If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work,you need to hook it up to the water source. Airdoesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.4.No matter how much data you add to your laptopcomputer, it will not get any heavier.5.A bad place to store your emergency backup disketteis on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by alarge magnet.6.It's OK to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.7.When the PC says "Insert Diskette #2" don't do itimmediately. Remove Diskette #1 first, even if you'resure you can make them both fit in there.8.When your PC says "You have mail", don't go to thecompany mail room and look for a package.9.The French version of the Netscape Navigatordoesn't translate English web pages into French.10.If you're in the armed services, and it's April1st, and you get a call from Col. Sanders for neworders....DON'T CALL BACK!11.If you go to the computer store to buy a mouse pad,you don't have to specify whether it's for Windows orMac.12.You do not need your passport to get into NewMexico.
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Thanks to LBS: Rules of dieting...If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, thecalories in the candy bar are canceled out by the dietsoda. (This rule also applies to mixed drinks.Example: rum and diet coke)When you eat with someone else, calories don'tcount if they eat more than you do.When you eat with someone else, your calories don'tcount if they eat more than you do.Calories in food used for medicinal purposes NEVERcount. Examples: hot chocolate, brandy and Sara LeeCheesecake.If you fatten everyone else around you, then you lookthinner.Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn,Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do nothave additional calories because everyone knows thatmovies aren't real.When preparing food, things licked off spoons andknives have no calories. Examples: peanut butter on aknife when making a sandwich; ice cream on a spoonwhen making a sundae; cakefrosting.Broken cookie pieces contain no fat. It leaks out.Foods that are the the same color have the samenumber of calories, Examples: Spinach and pistachioice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. (Note:Chocolate is a universal color and may be substitutedfor any other food color.)Calories are a unit of heat. Therefore, frozen foodshave no calories. Examples include ice cream, frozenpies and Popsicles.Wild Card. Each dieter may add one rule that pertainsto their particular, unique situation.Click
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Military TimeMy wife never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the orderly room to speak with me. The person who answered told her to call me at the extension in the band rehearsal hall."He can be reached at 4700, Ma'am," the soldier advised.