Saturday, April 16, 2005

hUMOR For April 16th

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IRS Questions

(For those of you who are not in the United States, the IRS is the Internal
Revenue Service. Those are the folks to whom we pay our taxes each April 15th).


This comes from Donna Patterson Wilson, who answered thousands of
IRS-directed questions from an often-confused public. She kept a special
list of the strangest of these calls.

Caller: I want to know if I should file married or single.
IRS: Are you married?
Caller: Well, sort of ...
IRS: What?
Caller: Well, we did get married, but we're not counting on it.

Caller: I got a letter from you guys and I want to know what you want.
IRS: What does it say?
Caller: Just a minute, I'll open it.

Caller: I'm a bookkeeper and I need to know if ten $100 bills make a
thousand dollars or only ten hundred dollars.
IRS: Both. It's the same amount.
Caller: So why do I get a different answer every time I move the decimal point?

Caller: What does the law say about people who are renting to relatives and
taking a loss on the property?
IRS: You are required to charge them fair market value.
Caller: It's very fair. If we rented to someone else we could get a lot more.

Caller: Could you please send me some of those WD-40's?
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It was April and Tax Day was looming when an elderly woman showed up at my desk at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so many?" I asked.
"My son is overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up forms for the soldiers on the base."
"You shouldn't have to do this," I told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need."
"I know. I'm the base commander's mother."
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A man submitting information to his income tax preparer was asked how many dependents he had. "Sixteen," he replied.

The preparer asked, "Would you mind repeating that?"

The man replied, "Not if I can help it."
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After careful consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has finally been named:
MR. POTATO HEAD
He's tan.
He's cute.
He knows the importance of accessorizing.
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.
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I heard a smart blonde joke today on the radio. I hope I can do it justice...

A blonde woman went into a bank and wanted to borrow $5,000 for a 2 week vacation she was planning to take. The bank manager asked her what she had for collateral. She said she had a Rolls Royce that she would leave with the bank as collateral. The bank manager agreed and put the $250,000 car in the basement garage and the woman went on her vacation.

When the woman returned she paid back the whole $5,000 plus the $15.32 in interest. The bank manager said, "While you were on vacation we checked your credit and you're a millionaire. Why did you borrow $5,000 for a vacation you could easily have paid for?"

The woman replied, "Where else could I park my car in Boston for $15.32 and expect it to still be there when I returned?"
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Lying is a SinA minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

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Four men were bragging about the intelligence of their cats. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was an NEA union member ... a Teacher.To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.Everyone agreed that was good.But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.Everyone agreed that was good.Then the three men turned to the NEA union member and said, "What can your cat do?”The NEA union member called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave..