"Freeway Repair"
An off-ramp of a freeway in Long Beach, CA, has been torn up for years.
Recently, someone put up a handmade sign reading,
"Scientists tell us that the sun will burn out in one and a half billion years. It is sad that this contractor will have to finish working in the dark."
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CleanQuote
"The pessimist may be right in the long run, but the optimist has a better time during the trip."
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"Expectations"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Recently, I showed a home to a couple who seemed eager to check out the fantastic view from the living room.
As I dramatically pulled back the drapes, the disappointed husband asked, "Where is the view? Those mountains must be blocking it."
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A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.
After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.
For the life of him, he couldn't remember the names of those who were to be married.
"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.
Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.
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God, grant me the Senility...
To forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight To tell the difference.
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A large family, with seven children, moved to a new city. They were having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in. Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to the large family.
After several days of searching, the father asked the mother to take the four younger children to visit the cemetery, while he took the older three to find an apartment.
After they had looked most of the morning they found a place that was just right.
Then the landlord asked the usual question: "How many children do you have?"
The father answered with a deep sigh, "Seven...but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."
The landlord, feeling sympathetic towards the man's situation, rented the apartment to him.
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Things NOT to say in an argument with your spouse
• "Don't you have some laundry to do, or something?"
• "No, really, I was laughing about . . . This joke I heard one time."
• "Ooh, you are so cute when you get all upset."
• "You're just upset because your caboose is starting to spread."
• "Wait a minute, I get it… What time of the month is it?"
• "Are you gonna cry? {Force lip to quiver mockingly} Cry for your mommy?"
• "You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?"
• "That reminds me. Next time you go to the store, could you add 'giant cork' to the shopping list?"
• "Whoa, time out honey, Frasier's back."
• "Is there anyway we could do this via e-mail?"
• "Whom are you kidding? We both know that thing isn't loaded."
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A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was historically inevitable.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: . . .and God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?
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I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
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Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
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Rowing Your Boat
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
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Blonde Sky Divers
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.
The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"