The Lone Ranger and Tonto go camping in the desert, they set up their tent, and go to sleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend."Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars.""What does that tell you?" ask The Lone Ranger.Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks."Tonto, you Dumb Dumb, someone has stolen our tent."
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Hybrid Car
My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."
"Really? What did he get?"
"Fifteen years for theft."
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"You're too good for him." - Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA. "No wonder you always go home alone." - Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA.
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Here is today's Illustration. - Meet Your Neighbors
As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks.
Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.
All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.
They glared at us with looks of disgust.
Suddenly, we realized why.........
we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.
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Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve
the meat -- or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon's occupation.
At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving
while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary: "How am
I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a
pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"
When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on
the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now let's see you put them back together again."
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FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY 1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 2. A day without sunshine is like...night. 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 6. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 7. He who laughs last thinks slowest. 8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 9. The early bird gets the worm, and the second mouse getsthe cheese in the trap. 10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. 15. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 18. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. 19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened. 25. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.