Monday, April 21, 2008

hUMOR For April 21st

How To Appease The I.T. Dept.

01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

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True Stories

Woman smuggled snake out of store in pants

LANSING, Mich. (UPI) -- A clerk at Preuss Animal House in Lansing, Mich., said a woman stole a boa constrictor by hiding the snake inside her pants but quickly returned the reptile.

The clerk said the woman grabbed the boa while his back was turned and shoved it down her pants before quickly exiting the store, WDIV-TV, Lansing, Mich., reported Monday.

A surveillance camera recorded the woman reaching into the snake tank and walking away.

Rick Preuss, the store's owner, said employees were concerned about the health of the baby snake before the woman brought it back to the shop.

"She brought it back right away and ran out the door before I could even get hold of any law enforcement," Preuss said.

He said the store is not seeking to press any charges.

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Police: Murderer bragged about escape

BAKERSFIELD, Calif. (UPI) -- Police in Bakersfield, Calif., say a convicted murderer who escaped from prison was caught after publicly bragging about being on "America's Most Wanted."

Malcolm Kysor, 53, who escaped from the State Correctional Institution Albion in Pennsylvania by hiding among food scraps in an oversized trash can Nov. 25, was heard by a passerby Saturday while talking to people in downtown Bakersfield's Saunders Park, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reported Monday.

The passerby heard Kysor say he was a wanted fugitive from Pennsylvania and mentioned he was featured on a segment of Fox's "America's Most Wanted." The unidentified person relayed the information to on-call firefighters at a nearby fire house and officials there phoned police.

Officers said they questioned a man fitting the description given by the passerby and he gave them a name that was known to be an alias used by Kysor. He was arrested without incident.

Kysor, who prior to his escape was serving a life sentence for beating a man to death with a golf club in 1981, has been charged with escape and unlawful flight to avoid prosecution. He was being held at California's Kern County Jail.

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Boehner given sunglasses by Libyan leader

TRIPOLI, Libya (UPI) -- U.S. House Minority Leader John Boehner, R-Ohio, says Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi gave him a pair of sunglasses when they met in the Libyan desert.

Boehner said he and his traveling companions journeyed a long way out of Tripoli to find the spot they were to meet Gadhafi, the Dayton (Ohio) Daily News reported Monday.

"We just head south and south and south and south," the lawmaker said. "Past the sheep with the Bedouin herder, past the goats, past the herd of camels and through a couple of security checkpoints and here's a great big white tent out in the distance."

He said the group had a "frank" conversation with Gadhafi, during which the sunglasses-clad Libyan leader pulled an extra pair of shades out of his pocket and offered them to Boehner.

"He comes over to me and says, 'Desert not kind to blue eyes,'" Boehner said. "So I put the sunglasses on."

Boehner said Gadhafi insisted he keep the sunglasses after the meeting.

"I have this pair of glasses from Colonel Gadhafi," Boehner said. "They're nice glasses, but they don't fit."

The minority leader said the shades are "acceptable" under the congressional gift rule.

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"First I Got"
Elmer says, "First, I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that I got erysipelas with hemachromatosis. Following that I got poliomyelitis and finally ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations."

Calvin says, "Boy, you had quite a time!"

Elmer replies, "I'll say! I thought I'd never pull trough that spelling test."

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CleanQuote

"Don't be afraid to touch bottom. It's solid."

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Walmart Greeter

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get
to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and
a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older
Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have
to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but your
being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's
odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed
Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"

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"Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away...

if your car could go straight upwards." --Sir Fred Hoyle

***

"Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of

life?' or 'Socrates how can I find happiness?', but did any-

one ever say 'Socrates hemlock is poison.'?!" --Socrates

***

"The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your

life." --George Carlin

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A friend of mine was visiting a college, which had those

security call boxes every few hundred feet. If you were

wandering around the campus at night and felt uneasy about

somebody following you, for instance, you could hit the

button and have a security officer come investigate im-

mediately.

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Waiting for our aerobics class to begin, several of us were

standing around in our leotards chatting about fitness and

diets. One woman said that her brother-in-law had quit

smoking, gone on a diet and lost weight all at the same time.

Thinking to myself that no human being could possibly do this

without acquiring at least one other undesirable habit for

compensation, I jokingly asked her, "What did he start doing

instead of these things?"

After a slight pause, she smiled and said, "Well, my sister

is pregnant now."

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1 in 360

During a field exercise at Camp Lejeune, N.C., my squad was

on a night patrol through some thick brush. Halfway through,

we realized we'd lost our map. The patrol navigator informed

us, "Our odds are 1 in 360 that we'll get out of here."

"How did you come up with that?" someone asked.

"Well," he replied, "one of the degrees on the compass has

to be right."