I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister
left me alone in a restaurant with my 10-month old nephew.
I said, "What do I do if he cries?"
She said, "Give him some vegetables."
It turns out that jalapeno is not his favorite.
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Priorities
At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.
One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?"
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"Vacation Offer"
A newspaper writer, after working for 17 long years, was finally granted two months leave, during which time he would be fully paid. However, he turned down his boss' kind offer.
The boss asked, "Why would you turn down such a generous offer?" The newspaper writer said there were 2 reasons.
"Well, what are they?" asked the boss.
"The first," he said, "is that I thought that my taking such a long leave might affect the newspaper's circulation."
The boss asked him what the other reason was.
"The other reason," replied the writer, "is that I thought my taking such a long leave might NOT affect the newspaper's circulation."
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Oneliner
"Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo"
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CleanPun - "Defence Contractor"
My job is in the aerospace industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do.
At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense contractor."
The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"
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"Fools and wise men are equally harmless. It is the half
fools and the half wise who are dangerous."
--Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
***
"For God's sake give me the young man who has brains enough
to make a fool of himself." -Robert L Stevenson
***
"The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large
audience." Artie Schopenhauer
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On a family vacation one summer, we crossed
several historical points of interest. The children were
especially interested because they enjoyed the computer game
"
the pioneers endured. We stopped at the famous
look at the wagon tracks still visible in the dirt.
Squinting out over the desolate, wind-swept landscape, my
daughter nodded and said grimly, "This is where my oxen
always die."
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Chatting with my mother-in-law I asked, "Have you heard of
this company that takes the cremated ashes of your loved one
and then compresses the carbon into a diamond?"
"Yes," she said, smirking. "It brings a whole new meaning to
the phrase 'family jewels.'"
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"Ralph Nader's in the news. Today, Ralph Nader attacked Barack Obama for refusing to accept public financing for his campaign and said that Obama was too closely tied to big business. Yeah, then the guy sitting next to Nader on the park bench said, 'Shut up!'" --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush and Senator John McCain were both touring the flood-damaged areas of
Do you like good news? President Bush has ordered now -- it's official -- has ordered his troops now to find Osama Bin Laden. Yep boy, he really jumped on that one, didn't he?" --David Letterman
"According to a Pentagon report this week, more than 1,000 nuclear missile components in the U.S. arsenal are lost and cannot be located. We can't even find our own weapons of mass destruction! Anyway, the Air Force, in their defense ... said today, there's a big difference between something being missing and just not being able to find it. Which would be okay if you're talking about a pair of lost sunglasses." --Jay Leno
"Last night, President Bush held a celebration at the White House honoring jazz. ... Yeah. It was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'This is great. It's just like being in an elevator.'" --Conan O'Brien
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"Ralph Nader's in the news. Today, Ralph Nader attacked Barack Obama for refusing to accept public financing for his campaign and said that Obama was too closely tied to big business. Yeah, then the guy sitting next to Nader on the park bench said, 'Shut up!'" --Conan O'Brien
"President Bush and Senator John McCain were both touring the flood-damaged areas of
Do you like good news? President Bush has ordered now -- it's official -- has ordered his troops now to find Osama Bin Laden. Yep boy, he really jumped on that one, didn't he?" --David Letterman
"According to a Pentagon report this week, more than 1,000 nuclear missile components in the U.S. arsenal are lost and cannot be located. We can't even find our own weapons of mass destruction! Anyway, the Air Force, in their defense ... said today, there's a big difference between something being missing and just not being able to find it. Which would be okay if you're talking about a pair of lost sunglasses." --Jay Leno
"Last night, President Bush held a celebration at the White House honoring jazz. ... Yeah. It was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'This is great. It's just like being in an elevator.'" --Conan O'Brien
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College Sports Quiz
A guy walks into a restaurant, orders a drink, and asks the waiter if he'd like to hear a good Notre Dame joke.
"Listen buddy," he growled. "See those 2 big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the Notre Dame football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at Notre Dame. That guy in the corner was Notre Dame's all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in 3 sports at Notre Dame. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?"
"Nah, guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it 5 times."
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Getting Used to It
You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.
He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
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Weird News
UK
DORSET, England (UPI) -- An accused British speeder bought himself some more time by contending the road he was driving along doesn't officially exist.
Nicholas Hoare contended in a
"The … camera does not exist on the road that it says it does," he said. "It is an administrative error."
Hoare could lose his license, and possibly his job, if his argument doesn't work, The Telegraph said Wednesday.
The newspaper said the magistrates seemed to take a tepid view of the legal maneuverings. However, they adjourned the case until September to gather more information.