If you are traveling soon, consider Lutheran Air, the no-frills airline.
You're all in the same boat on Lutheran Air, where flying is an uplifting
experience. There is no first class on any Lutheran Air flight. Meals are
potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and
22-30, a dessert.
Basses and tenors please sit in the rear of the aircraft. Everyone is
responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by freewill offering
and the plane will not land until the budget is met. Pay attention to your
flight attendant, who will acquaint you with the safety system aboard this
Lutheran Air 599.
Okay then, listen up: I'm only gonna say this once. In the event of a sudden
loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so will
Captain Olson because we fly right around 2000 feet, so loss of cabin
pressure would probably indicate the Second Coming or something of that
nature, and I wouldn't bother with those little masks on the rubber tubes.
You're gonna have bigger things to worry about than that. Just stuff those
back up in their little holes. Probably the masks fell out because of
turbulence which, to be honest with you, we're going to have quite a bit of
at 2000 feet. Sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after a while
you get used to it.
In the event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying the Lord's
Prayer and just hope you get to the part about forgive us our sins as we
forgive those who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against
us," which isn't right, but what can you do?
The use of cell phones on the plane is strictly forbidden, not because they
may interfere with the plane's navigational system, which is seat of the
pants all the way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in the wazoo, and
if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mouth on the
side of your head.
We're going to start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with the
coffee pot up front. Then we'll have the hymn sing; hymnals in the seat
pocket in front of you. Don't take yours with you when you go or I am going
to be real upset and I am not kidding!
Right now I'll say Grace. "Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let these
gifts to us be blest. Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Duluth or
pretty close. Amen."
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"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on the couch
and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would be nice right
now.'" - Kathleen Madigan
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"Unique Breakfast"
A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read Unique Breakfast, so he walked in and sat down.
The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.
"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked.
"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.
"Baked tongue of chicken? Baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like, then?"
"Just bring me a hard boiled egg," the man replied.
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Bar TimeAn angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him."What'll you have?" he asked."Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out."Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!""Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
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There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue.She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed. In a panic she called 911. They answered and said "This is Joe, is there an emergency?" The blonde replied "Yes my shed is on fire!!!" Joe said, "Don't panic help in on the way...where do you live?" The blonde said, "IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!" Joe calmly responded back, "How are we supposed to get there?"The blonde answered back, "DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!"
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"Coffee Vending Machine"
A man put his fifty cents in a vending machine and watched helplessly while the cup failed to appear and a nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it.
"Now that's automation!" he exclaimed. "It even drinks for you!"
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Oneliner
"I had amnesia once -- or twice."
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CleanPun - "Cross-eyed Teacher"
A cross-eyed teacher in Surrey has been sacked.
He couldn't control his pupils.
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Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One
afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the
first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in
the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the
horse race very carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse
came in first!
Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again
he went to the stables and performed a similar procedure.
Charlie played a hunch and put a couple of dollars on the
blessed horse. Sure enough, the blessed horse came in by two
lengths, and Charlie won close to fifty bucks!
The priest continued the same procedure through the next few
races, and Charlie won each time. He was now ahead $1,000,
so between races Charlie left the track and went to the bank
and withdrew his life's savings, $20,000.
The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie
followed the priest and watched carefully which horse he
blessed. He then went to the betting window and put his
whole $21,000 bundle of cash on that horse to win.
Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race. Down the
stretch they came, and as they crossed the finish line, the
horse Charlie's fortune was bet on was dead last!
Charlie was crushed. He located the priest and told him that
he had been watching him bless the horses all day, and they
all became winners except the last horse on which he had bet
his life savings. Charlie then asked, "What happened to the
last horse that you blessed? Why didn't it win like the
others?"
"That's the trouble with you Protestants," sighed the
priest. "You can never tell the difference between a
blessing and the last rites."