Motorcycle Ride
There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons. Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest." After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curb and wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told them what happened. The police asked him, "Are either of them showing any life signs?" The farmer then said, "Well, that first one was 'til I turned his head around the right way."
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Whales
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".
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Professional Aspirations
On the way to preschool, a doctor had left his stethoscope on the car seat and his little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor. "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
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Class ReunionI was in a department store dressing room when I overheard a woman in the next booth make disparaging remarks about the clothes she was trying on. Finally, an attendant knocked on her door and asked if there was a specific color or style she could get for her."I need a dress for my class reunion," the woman answered. "I don't care what color or style, as long as it makes me look twenty pounds lighter and ten years younger."From another dressing room I heard a woman call out, "Make that two."
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"I'd never run for president. I've thought about it, and
the only reason I'm not is that I'm scared no woman would
come forward and say she had an affair with me."
--Garry Shandling
***
"Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money,
they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor,
they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given
them too much money." --George Carlin
***
"Is this a bad idea? The folks at Sprint announced it is
developing a TV cell phone. It will let you watch TV on
your cell phone. They have the perfect name for it: 'Nine
Dead in Interstate Pileup.'" --Jay Leno
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Hygiene is in the eye of the beholder, I've decided. One
lunchtime I watched the woman in the sandwich shop spreading
mayonnaise on my bread, and noticed part of her grubby work
shirt was dragging across it. "Excuse me," I ventured, "your
sleeve is in the mayo."
"No problem," she reassured me. "I need to wash it anyway."
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After I asked for a half-pound salmon fillet at my super-
market's seafood counter, the clerk picked one out of a pile
and set it on the scale. It weighed precisely eight ounces.
Impressed, I asked, "How did you know?"
Looking pleased with himself, he declared, "I'm psychotic."
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Bravest of the Brave
Top brass from the Army, Navy, and Marine Corps were arguing
about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the
dispute using an enlisted man from each branch.
The Army general called a private over and ordered him to
climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing "The
Caissons Go Rolling Along," then let go with both hands and
salute. The private quickly complied.
Next, the admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish
the brass knob at the top, sing "Anchors Aweigh," salute
smartly, and jump off. The sailor did as he was told and
landed on the concrete below.
Finally, the marine was told to do exactly as the Army and
Navy men had done, but in full battle gear, with pack filled
with bricks and loaded weapon carried high. He took one look
at the Marine general and said, "You're out of your mind,
sir!"
The Marine commander turned to the others. "Now THAT'S
guts!"
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Phone Call
A young boy answers the phone. A man says, "Hello is your dad around?" The boy whispers, "Yes." The man then asks if he can talk to him. "He's busy at the moment," the boy whispers. "Then is your mom there?" "Yes" the boy whispers. "Can I talk to her?" "No, she's busy," the boy whispers. "Is there anyone else there?" "Yes" whispered the boy. "Who?" the man asked. "A policeman," came the whispered reply. "Well, can I talk to him?" "He's busy too," the boy whispered. "Is there anyone else there then?" "Yes" whispered the boy. "Who then?" the man asked. "A fireman," the boy whispered. "Can I talk to him?" "No," the boy whispered, "he's busy." Annoyed, the man asked what they were all doing. "Looking for me." the boy whispered.
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Swimming Lesson
A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim. "It takes considerable time and technique." replied the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly..." "This is certainly most helpful." said the member. "I know that my kid sister will appreciate it." "Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry."
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Insurance
A client called to report an accident and ask if her insurance rates would go up. "Our underwriting department determines that", I said. Then I asked for her license number. Verifying her information, I asked, "NMF? Is that N as in Nancy, M as in Mary, and F as in Frank?" "Well... yes," she said. "But could you please tell your underwriters that it's also N as in Not, M as in My, and F as in fault?"
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Ski Trip
A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover his injury. "Why is the injury not covered?" he asked. "You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre- existing condition."
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Always Right
Frustrated at always being corrected by her husband, my aunt decided the next time it happened, she would have a comeback.
That moment finally arrived, and she was ready. "You know," she challenged, "even a broken clock is right once a day!"
My uncle looked at her and replied, "Twice."
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TenseAn English teacher at Michigan State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors on her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?""Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.After a slight pause the student tried again ... "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter? ... ???"