I always thought that the Air Traffic Controllers had a wicked sense of humour...
I sure hope I didn't send this out b4 cuz I've had it quite a while.
Dallas ATC:
"Tower to Saudi Air 911-You are cleared to land east-bound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air:
"Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R--Allah be Praised !!"
Dallas ATC:
"Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air:
"Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R.--Allah is Great !!"
Pause: Static.............
Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air:
"YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE" !!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC:
"Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us - ya hear?
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Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were stopped
promptly by a policeman, who said, "What do you think you are doing? You
were going mighty fast there, Father."
The priest says, "We were just taking the bike for a spin. We wanted to see
how it runs."
The policeman shakes his head. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket.
Driving like that isn't safe. What if you have an accident?"
The priests say, "Don't worry, my son. The Savior is with us."
The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not
allowed to ride on a motorcycle."
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A distinguished clergyman and a friend were playing golf. It was a very
close match, and at the last hole the clergyman teed up, addressed the ball,
and swung his driver with great force. The ball, instead of sailing down the
fairway, merely rolled off the tee and settled slowly some twelve feet away.
The clergyman frowned, glared, and bit his lip, but said nothing. His
opponent regarded him for a moment, and then remarked, "Father, that is the
most profane silence I have ever witnessed."
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Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is
not.
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"Towel Misunderstanding"
One day a child at my four-year-old's Sunday school class told her classmates that she needed a 'damp towel.' Some of the other kids thought she said a naughty word and told on her.
The teacher stepped in to explain, "If your mommy asked you to bring her a damp towel, what does she want?"
A little girl blurted out, "She means she wants that towel right now!"
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Oneliner
A sign in the window: "Any faulty merchandise will be cheerfully replaced with merchandise of equal quality."
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CleanPun - "Birth Registration"
George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son. The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies: "Euro."
The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.
Says George: "What? There weren't any objections when I called my first two sons Mark and Frank."
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I'm self unemployed.
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I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
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Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
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Clean those restrooms
On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES."
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
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Helping an overweight blonde
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.
The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
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Question and answer blond jokes
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.
Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"