Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other.
The first spaceman says, "The dominant life forms on the
earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons."
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks,
"Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first spaceman says, "I don't think so...They have them
aimed at themselves."
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"Angelina Jolie decided to name her new son Knox because it
ends in the letter x just like her other sons Maddox and
Pax. Jolie better not have any more sons because the only
two names left are Xerox and Ex-Lax." -Conan O'Brien
***
"It was revealed today that Barrack Obama has been secretly
interviewing candidates for Vice President while he works
out in the gym. Screening people at the gym can only mean
one thing - our next VP, definitely not Al Gore."
--Craig Ferguson
***
"According to a new study, ladies and gentlemen, you can
improve your memory by watching less TV, doing crossword
puzzles, eating more fish I can't remember all that."
--Dave Letterman
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Microsoft Cafe
Customer: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Customer: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Customer: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Customer: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Customer: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Customer: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Customer: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Customer: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Customer: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Customer: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Customer: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Customer: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything. [Waiter leaves.]
Customer: Waiter! Now there's a mosquito in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $ 5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $ 2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $10.00
Editors Note: Bug in the soup........included at no extra charge (will be fixed with Tomorrow's soup of the day)
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Sick Leave
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "Called in sick yesterday!" There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"
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A food store's complimentary policy
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer section.
One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she wouldn't feel comfortable about buying it.
The first nun replied that she could handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look on his face, so the nun said, “We use beer for washing our hair - a sort of shampoo, if you will.”
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzels and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said, “The curlers are on the house.”
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Sleeping Rough
A police chief, a fire chief and a city manager were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse.
The farmer welcomed them in but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn.
Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief.
A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn.
This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.
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Presidential Accident
One day the president was out jogging and accidentally fell from a ridge into a very cold river. Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.
After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the
The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to
"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. President.
"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.
"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the grateful president.
"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.
"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"
"No -- but I will be when my dad finds out I saved you from drowning."
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Truth in Youth
A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The copper said, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and football!"
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Getting Used to It
You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.
He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"
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Zookeeper's Dilemma
A zookeeper wanted to get some extra animals for his zoo, so
he decided to compose a letter. The only problem was that he
didn't know the plural of "mongoose."
He started the letter: "To whom it may concern, I need two
mongeese."
No, that wouldn't work, so he tried again: "To whom it may
concern, I need two mongooses." Is that right?
Finally, he got an idea: "To whom it may concern, I need a
mongoose, and while you're at it, send me another one."