Commit the Husband
A woman went to her doctor and said, "I want to have my husband committed."
"Well, it's not that simple. You need proof that he's mentally incompetent."
"He goes ice fishing."
"Okay. Close enough for me."
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They say not to put all of your eggs in one basket, but I'll
be darned if I am going to roll 12 shopping carts out of the
grocery store!
***
I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent
Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing
on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a
weapon.
***
Most people are unwilling to sell their souls; but they
usually aren't opposed to renting them out for an hour or
two.
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I was helping a friend of mine with his roadside farm stand
when a man stopped by and asked how much the eggs were.
"Sixty cents for the small, seventy cents for the medium,
ninety cents for the large and thirty cents for the cracked
ones," I answered.
"All right," he said, "crack me a dozen of the large ones."
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A group of junior-level executives were participating in
a management training program. The seminar leader pounded
home his point about the need to make decisions and take
action on these decisions.
"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log
and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would
you have left on the log?"
The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."
"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five
because there is a difference between deciding to jump and
jumping."
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Weird News
Thief runs off with empty register
Police said the robber was a 175-pound Hispanic male about 5 feet, 9 inches in height. They said he had on white shoes and was dressed in a short-sleeve shirt and shorts.
The video reportedly was taken April 5 at the Azteca restaurant in
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No more strain on grid from TV audience
The 1990 World Cup semifinal between
But the latest incarnation of "Doctor Who," the science fiction series that has been running for decades, created only a 400-megawatt surge, roughly the equivalent of 160,000 electric kettles.
While sports events, especially late World Cup games with
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Cop rescues pet store owner from python
Sgt. Ryan Nelson told the Eugene (
While Rossiter lay on the floor, the snake slowly tightening its grip, Nelson put on gloves and tried getting the mouth open. A firefighter poured cold water on its head, which did not work either.
Finally, a firefighter used the screw driver while Nelson pulled Rossiter to safety. He then wrangled the angry snake into its cage.
Rossiter said she opened the cage to show off the python and forgot she had been handling mice.
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Rare Disease Diet
A man returns from
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!"
"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me?" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but it's the only food we can get under the door."
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A Real Person
Manning the computer help desk for the local school district was my
first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very
seriously. But not every caller took me seriously.
"Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked.
"I am real," I said.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What I meant
to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?"
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"In
window at a Taco Bell. Fortunately, the snake was immediately
killed by all the rats in the kitchen." -Conan O'Brien
***
"An 18 year-old woman was arrested after spending the past
eight months pretending to be a student at Stanford
university and living in their dorms, even though she was
not enrolled there. She pretended to be a student for eight
months. Hey, that's nothing. I pretended to be a student
for four years!" -Jay Leno
***
"It's always the same with new inventions. I can remember
when calculators came out. We weren't allowed to use them
in school. The teachers would say, 'Calculators prevent
you from learning arithmetic.' I'd say, 'I'm going into
show business.' 'Well, you'll need arithmetic to count
your crushed dreams.'" -Craig Ferguson
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One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub,
only to find the place packed with young people. At 40,
we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit,
a tall, handsome man approached us.
"Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I
thought.
Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one
of my friends and said, "Hello. Remember me? You were my
third grade teacher."
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Woman: "No, I'm telling you, I'm right! He couldn't eat the
Trix because he was an adult rabbit, and Trix were only
supposed to be for kids."
Man: "Well, I always thought it was just because he was a
rabbit and not a person."
[A period of silence -- the woman looks down at her food.]
Man: "What's wrong?"
Woman: "I'm just really getting tired of you always being
wrong."
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Birth Facility
My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new
birth facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room
had a hot tub, soft music, and candlelight. "What do you
think?" she asked.
He looked around. "Isn't this how we got here in the first
place?"