Recent Quips from Late Night
"FEMA is handling another disaster -- its own Public Relations department. ... This is unbelievable to me! FEMA has apologized for staging a fake news conference on the California wildfires. ... They had a fake news conference in which FEMA employees pretended to be reporters and asked softball questions to their idiot boss, a guy named Harvey Johnson. It was obvious the reporters were FEMA workers because the questions were about the 2003 fire." --Jay Leno "Here's a true story. A buddy of mine from Washington called me. Aides told President Bush that he should congratulate the Red Sox. Poor guy, he's so confused that he went to the top drawer of his dresser." --David Letterman "Earlier today, Argentina's first lady was elected as the new president of Argentina, which makes the former president the new 'first spouse.' Or, as President Bill Clinton calls him, 'My future wingman.'" --Conan O'Brien "Former Yankee Alex Rodriguez is now a free agent. Some teams say they are willing to spend as much as $150 million to get him. $150 million! That's pretty amazing when you see the White House is only offering $50 million for Osama bin Laden." --Jay Leno "We thought this day would never come, but guess what, ladies and gentlemen, he's at it again. Vice President Dick Cheney is pheasant hunting ... in Upstate New York today. The hunt went pretty well. Dick drove back to the hotel with a hunting buddy tied to his fender." --David Letterman "Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich says that he once had an encounter with a UFO. Apparently, several weird looking, little men got off the ship, saw Kucinich, and said, 'It's alright. He's one of us.'" --Conan O'Brien
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12-mile march
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek. An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come. “Men,” our sergeant yelled, “You're doing a FINE job. We've already covered four miles!” Revitalized, we picked up the pace. “And,” continued Sarge, “we should reach the starting point any minute now.”
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Tight Shoes
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk. "Well, they feel a bit tight." replies the man. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet. "Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk. "Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.
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Best Room in the Hotel?The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception desk and demanded his room be changed."But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel.""I insist on another room!!" said the drunk."Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk."Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."
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"This week, a 90-year-old man in Minnesota became the oldest
person to win a Nobel Prize. Next week, the 90-year-old man
will be the first person to misplace the Nobel Prize."
-Conan O'Brien
***
"If you want to stay healthy... there was this guy in Hong
Kong, 107-year-old guy in Hong Kong. He attributes his
longevity to abstaining from sex since he was 30. Man, I'm
gonna live a long, long time." -Craig Ferguson
***
"According to a new study, eating ice cream increases a
woman's chance of getting pregnant. Actually, eating ice
cream increases a woman's chances of looking pregnant."
-Conan O'Brien
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During my senior year at university, the wife of one of my
professors gave birth to twins. Now the father of four pre-
schoolers, my professor looked more and more haggard as the
days went by, and his forgetfulness increased.
One day, several weeks after the birth, he arrived in class
late and announced he had some bad news. He couldn't find
the midterm papers we had written weeks before.
"But, sir," said a student, "you gave those midterms back
last class."
"I did?" Our weary professor replied. "Well, how did you do
on them?"
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One night our dog suddenly began barking almost every night
at around 3 a.m.
Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry, searched the back
yard for what might have disturbed this otherwise peaceful
animal.
For three days he found nothing amiss. When the dog woke up
the neighborhood a fourth night at 3 a.m. with frantic
barking Larry finally snuck around the house through the
alley only to discover our quiet neighbor, the last man
you'd suspect of wrongdoing, throwing pebbles over the fence
at the dog.
My husband demanded to know what he was doing.
"My mother-in-law is visiting," the embarrassed neighbor
explained. "If she gets woken up in the middle of the night
one more time she says she'll leave."
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More Words
A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that
said women use more words than men.
It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use
30,000."
Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all
along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her
the study results.
The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her
husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say."
The husband said, "What?"
Received from Docs Daily Chuckle.
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Because so many people have heart attacks, the big, high-class casinos are
now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are computer controlled
to deliver the precise level of electric shock needed to revive a heart
attack victim. That's if you're at a high class casino.
At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and
touch your finger to the doorknob.
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Dictionary for Women
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a
policeman.
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but
he just hasn't realized it yet.
Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and
hit "inquire."
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce,
chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned
everything up, but he "made the dinner."
Blond jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with
a half pound bag of M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to
make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend an hour and a half
writing, then forget to take it with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*ser) n. Someone who is able to create a style that
you will never be able to duplicate. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he
goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 30 hours of contractions;
he gets to hold your hand and say, "Focus... breathe... push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips: color to enhance the beauty of your
mouth. On his collar: coloring only a tramp would wear.
Park (park) v/n. Before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere and neck."
After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and a slide.
Patience (pa*shens)n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage,
and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinz dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a
candlelight dinner, diamonds and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get
a card.
Waterproof Mascara (Wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower
or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Zillion (zil*yen) n. The number of times you ask someone to take out the
trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.
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