Sales Practice
The out-of-work newlywed took a temporary job as a vacuum cleaner salesman to make ends meet. After 3 days of intensive training, the sales manager told him to go home and practice his pitch on his wife. The next morning, the manager asked the novice how he made out. "Well," the man began, "I did what you said, and after I finished, I asked her if she would buy the vacuum cleaner from me. She said 'Yes.' Then I asked her 'Why?' She replied, 'Because I love you.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What is evil, ugly and keep the neighbours awake? A witch with a drum kit! What goes cackle, cackle, squelch, squelch?A witch in soggy shoes! What do you call a witch that flies in Concorde?Lucky! What do you call two witches who share a broom sticks?Broom mates!
+++++++++++++++++++
How to avoid shark attacks:
1. Never Leave Kansas
2. Roll in manure before diving. Sharks hate anything breaded
3. Always dive with a buddy. On sharks approach, point to buddy
4. Dive with a briefcase. Shark may mistake you for an attorney
and leave you alone out of professional courtesy
+++++++++++++++++++
During the constitutional convention in 1787 when it was proposed that the
National Army be limited to 3,000 men, George Washington whispered from his
presiding chair, "Then we should have another article providing that no
foreign nation with an army exceeding 3,000 men be allowed to invade."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing." -
Johnny Carson
+++++++++++++++++++
New PorscheA fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parentsbegan to yell and scream,"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. We know what a Porsche costs..""Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a carlike that for fifteen dollars?" they asked."It was the lady up the street," said the boy. Don't know hername-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and askedme if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.""Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser.Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there andsee what's going on."So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where thelady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had solda Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it."Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband.I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend hehas runoff to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intendto come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell hisnew Porsche and send him the money. So I did."(Are women good or what?)
+++++++++++++++++++
”Parachute Questions”
A man is on his first parachute jump. He jumps out of the plane and counts, "1 2 3," and pulls the main cord.
Nothing happens.
He pulls on his emergency cord, again nothing happens.
Looking around desperately the man notices another man flying UP into the air. He hollers to him, "Do you know anything about parachutes?"
"No!" the man going up replies. "Do you know anything about gas water heaters?"
+++++++++++++++++++
ObituariesHis four children were gathered around Mr. Staley's deathbed.As the eighty-year-old man seemed to doze off in a blissful sleep, the children started to discuss the final funeral plans. One wanted to spend a thousand dollars for a coffin, a second thought a plain wooden box would do, and the third was even ready to dump the remains into a paper sack. All agreed there was no reason to spend much money, as their father would never know the difference.Mr. Staley stirred. Having heard every word, he thought it was time to set the record straight. "Children," he said, "I've never told you this and never wanted to, but I can't go to my final resting place with this burden. My darling children, your mother and I were never married."His oldest son was aghast. "You mean we're....."Mr. Staley said, "Yup. And cheap ones too!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A father wanted to read a magazine but was being bothered by his little girl, Shelby. She wanted to know what the United States looked like. Finally, he tore a sheet out of his new magazine on which was printed the map of the country. Cutting out all the states, he gave it to Shelby, and said, "Go into the other room and see if you can put this together. This will show you our whole country today." After a few minutes, Shelby returned and handed him the map correctly fitted together. The father was surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly. Oh," she said, "on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus. When I got all of Jesus back where He belonged, our country just came together."
+++++++++++++++++++
Teacher Applicant
After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager
Vern Allen said:
"Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that
room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for
learning, and I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity,
modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even
censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.
You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted
diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship,
sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a
checkbook, and how to apply for a job.
I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment,
recognize sign s of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the
state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card.
All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a
few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that
qualifies my family for food stamps! You want me to do all of this and then
you tell me...
I CAN'T PRAY?"
+++++++++++++++++++
You know you are 100% Oklahoman if:1. You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Gotebo, Okemah, and Chickasha .2. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass atractor on the highway.5. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.6. You know that the true value of a parking space is notdetermined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.7. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.9. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.10. You measure distance in minutes. ("I'm about 5 minutes away.")11. You refer to the capital of Oklahoma as "The City."12. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.13. Little smokies are something you serve only for specialoccasions. 14. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.15. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out anoutfit.16. You know cowpies are not made of beef.17. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their wedding date.18. You have known someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your fist.19. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.20. You know in which state "Miam-uh" is and in which state"Miam-ee" is.21. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store.22. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 4x4 is.24. You know everything goes better with Ranch.25. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.26. You actually get these jokes and are "fixin" to send them to your friends..27. Finally, you are 100% Oklahoman if you have ever heard this conversation: "You wanna Coke?" "Yeah." "What kind?" "Dr. Pepper."