hUMOR For Jan 29th

Did I Say That?

Police in Los Angeles, California had good luck with a robbery
suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When
detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me
all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

Acts

A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said "Acts 2:38," and proceeded to quote scripture.

The burglar froze in place and didn't move. The woman called 911; the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood.

"What did you say to him that kept him from moving?" they asked the woman.

She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.

The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. "Why did the woman's quoting scripture scare you so much?" they asked.

"Scripture?" said the burglar, "I thought she said she had an ax and two 38's!

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

Are We Communicating?

A man spoke frantically into the phone,

"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!".

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.

"No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!".

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

The Buffalo Theory

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the lowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer elimates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

Who's The Real Dummy?

AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership.

He received a $26 million dollar severance package.

Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

Van Problem

The fist knocking on the door belonged to a cop. Bracing for

the worst, the yard foreman opened the door. "Is that

yours?" asked the officer, pointing to a company van that

was jutting out into the narrow street.

"Uhh, yes it is," said the foreman. "That is, it's our

company's."

"Would you mind moving it?" asked the officer. "We've set up

a speed trap, and the van's causing everyone to slow down."

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

After 20 years two college rivals bumped into each other. "Do you remember how I used to be so fat and flabby?' asked the first. "Well, I've been on an exercise program for a few years, and now I run marathons."

"That's great!" replied the other man.

"And," the first man continued, "Do you remember how I used to be shy and a poor student? Well, I took a course in public speaking, and now I make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year on the lecture circuit."

"That's great!" came the reply.

"Oh, and how about you?" the first man asked. "Have you changed at all?"

"Well, yes I have", replied the second man. "Remember how brutally honest I used to be, and how when someone said something uninteresting, I would reply, 'I couldn't care less?'"

"Well now I just say, 'That's great!'"

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

"Windy Walk"

So George goes out on a really windy night to walk over and visit his friend Sam, who is sick in bed. Several hours later, George drags his weary body into Sam's house and collapses on the couch.

"I tell ya, Sam," George says, exhausted, "it is just brutal with that wind out there. For every step I took forward, I was pushed back two."

"Then how in the world did you ever make it over here?" Sam asks.

"Well," George pants, "shortly after I started out I realized it was hopeless and I turned around and headed back home."

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

CleanQuote

"None are so empty as those who are full of themselves."
- Andrew Jackson

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

Illustration - "Salesmanship"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

During a magazine and newspaper subscription drive, our son Philip, a paperboy, learned about good salesmanship.

His supervisor had instructed the kids to maintain a positive attitude, even when turned down. One potential customer told Philip, "I've got papers and magazines strewn all over the place -- I don't need any more."

Philip's reply? "Well, how about a subscription to Good Housekeeping?"

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

BUTCH THE ROOSTER > John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several > Hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose > Job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks). > > The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into > the Soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he > Bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell > Had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster > Was performing. > > Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply > by listening to the bells.

> The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen > he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't > rung at all! John went to investigate. > > The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, > hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. > > John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and > he became an overnight sensation among the judges. > > The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece > Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. > > Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a > politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted > awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace > and having his way with them when they weren't paying attention? .

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

Playing House

A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches
the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."

"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea
what that means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

"Welcome to the show. It's Friday night! Don't feel bad, I

had nowhere fun to go either." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"Down in Florida, they are getting ready for the Republican

primary. They have got one week to make sure the voting

machines don't work." -Craig Ferguson

***

"It's cold here in the Northeast. You have to dress in layers

when it's this cold. For instance, right now I'm wearing two

hairpieces." -David Letterman

><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

The orthodontist and his assistants were removing my ten-

year-old's dental appliance. Because it was cemented to

the upper teeth, they had to use some pressure to release

it. When it finally popped out, three baby teeth came out

as well. My child was horrified at seeing the gaps.

"Well," my child said to the staff gathered around, "who

do I see about getting some dentures?"