"Buffet" is a French term. It means, "Get up and get it yourself" - Greg Ray
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Employment Application
While filling out an employment application, a man paused
over this question: "Person to notify in case of an
accident."
Finally he wrote, "Anybody in sight."
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Miracle CureDoctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis. had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office and amazingly emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"She answered, "Miracle, shmiricle. He gave me a longer cane."
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"On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that
all men are created jerks." --H. Allen Smith
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"This has all the earmarks of an eyesore." --James McSheehy,
member of the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, commenting
on a construction project he opposed.
***
"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are
good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you
are a vegetarian." --Dennis Wholey
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No one is more cautious than a first-time parent. After our
daughter was big enough to ride on the back of my bicycle,
I bought a special carrier with a seat belt and got her a
little helmet.
The day of the first ride I put her in the seat, double-
checked all the equipment, wheeled the bike to the end of
the driveway, carefully looked both ways and, swinging my
leg up over the crossbar, accidentally kicked her right in
the chin.
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Our crew at an ambulance company works 24-hour shifts.
The sleeping quarters consist of a large room with several
single beds, so we get to know one another's habits, like
who snores or talks in his sleep. While I was having my
teeth examined by a dentist one day, he noticed that some
of my teeth were chipped.
"It looks like you clench your jaw at night," he said.
"No way," I blurted without thinking. "No one has ever said
I grind my teeth, and I sleep with a lot of people!"
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Alex
Knock KnockWho's there!Alex!Alex who?Alex Plain later! Knock KnockWho's there!Alex!Alex who?Alex the questions round here!
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Lawyers & Charity
A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity. "First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..." "I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money." The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"
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Wanna Play House?
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Vernie, wanna play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replies, "I want you to communicate." He says to her, "that word is too big. I have no idea what it means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
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Physical Problems
A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom Salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse. "Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked. "No," replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. "I could only do about 15 minutes!"
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My son arrived back in the States after fighting with the First Marine
Division in Iraq, but I still couldn't help reacting like a
mom when I saw him running over to some buddies to return a bayonet.
"Kevin," I shouted across the base before could stop myself, "don't run with
that knife in your hands!"
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Health Questions and Answers
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it, don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of
your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of
vegetable slop.
Q: Is Soda Pop bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all
know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories:
animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that soda pop is not an animal,
and it is not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one
thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a cold cola and enjoy your liquid
vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for
you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
I hope this discussion has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.
Now, go eat some lard and be healthy.
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If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge.
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CleanQuote
"Frustration: Trying to find your glasses without your glasses."
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"Oneness" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremony and various traditions, such as lighting the unity candle from two individual candles.
Couples usually blow out the two candles as a sign of becoming one. Our minister said that many people were now leaving their individual candles lit to signify independence and personal freedom. He asked if we wanted to extinguish our candles or leave them burning.
After thinking about it, David replied, "How about if we leave mine lit and blow out hers?"