Humorous Saying

Humorous Saying - Author
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. - unknown A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid." - courtesy of Jack Shea, jshumor@exis.net A bulldog can whip a skunk, but sometimes it's not worth it. - J. Nowell A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. - unknown A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. - unknown A closed mouth gathers no feet. - Sam Horn A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple. - John Florio (1553-1625) A diplomat is one who thinks twice before saying nothing. - unknown A flatterer never seems absurd: the flatter'd always takes his word. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790) A friend in need is a pest. - Arthur Daley in the popular 1980's British sitcom, "Minder" - thanks to Rob A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. - unknown A man must serve his time in every trade except censure-critics are ready made. - Lord Byron
(1788-1824)
Happiness is merely the remission of pain. - unknown He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. - Abraham Lincoln, a gentle needle He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - Winston Churchill, a gentle needle He has delusions of adequacy. - Walter Kerr, a gentle needle He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary. - William Faulkner about Earnest Hemingway. (thanks to Pete Hartzel of Woodstock Corp.) He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends. - Oscar Wilde, a gentle needle He has Van Gogh's ear for music. - Billy Wilder, a gentle needle He is a self-made man and worships his creator. - John Bright, a gentle needle (thanks to Pete Hartzel of Woodstock Corp.) He is not only dull himself, but he is the cause of dullness in others. - Samuel Johnson, a gentle needle He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. - Paul Keating, a gentle needle He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. - Forrest Tucker, a gentle needle He that drinks beer, thinks beer. - Washington Irving
(1783-1859)
He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790) He that would have a short Lent, let him borrow money to be repaid at Easter. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790) He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts, for support rather than illumination. - Andrew Lang, a gentle needle He who dies with the most toys is still dead. - unknown He's gone, and forgot nothing but to say farewell to his creditors. - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. - Mae West, a gentle needle Housework done properly can kill you. - unknown How many observe Christ's birthday, how few his precepts. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790) I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom. - unknown I can't be out of money, I still have checks left. - unknown I did not fall off the turnip truck just yesterday. - Terry Davis

Meddlin' Preacher

Meddlin' Preacher

Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.

When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"

When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"

And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER!
TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!"

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."