Analytical Gunfighters
Two analytical chemists in the Wild West are on the town's main
street, ready to draw their weapons.
One says: "Don't MOVE, or I'll fill you full of 98% Lead, 1%
Antimony, 0.98% Cobalt, and 0.02% elements below their detection levels!"
The other one says: "HOLD on there, cowboy. Are those values CERTIFIED??"
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Low Stock
A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."
Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."
Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?"
The clerk smiled and said, "Rain."
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Oysters
A lady went running to a doctor with a badly spoiled stomach.
"What did you eat for dinner last night?" asked the doctor.
"Oysters," she said.
"Fresh oysters?" asked the doctor.
"How should I know?" said the lady
"Well," asked the doctor, "couldn't you tell when you took off the shells?"
"My Gosh," gasped the lady. "Are you supposed to take off the shells?"
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Playing Golf
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they had passionate relations all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.
As the man prepared to leave, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been together all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying jerk! You've been playing golf!"
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Weird News
'Dumb criminal' posts evidence on YouTube
Leeds City Council called Andrew Kellett, 23, the city's "dumbest criminal" after he put at least 80 videos on the Internet video-sharing site of people, including himself, participating in unlawful activities, the Daily Mail reported Wednesday.
It is reported the incriminating videos include footage of people taking drugs, racing cars and taking off from a gas station with stolen fuel.
"Kellett must be in the running to be
Kellett Tuesday was given an interim anti-social behavior order at Leeds Magistrates Court, forbidding him from posting further illegal behaviors on YouTube until his hearing next month.
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Deer causes a ruckus in salon scuffle
QUAKERTOWN, Pa. (UPI) -- A Pennsylvania man says it was his only option to body check a deer when it busted through the door of a salon where his son was getting a haircut.
In an unexpected twist to a calm afternoon at Holiday Hair in
''He was charging right at my son, so I decked him. The only thing I could do, I grabbed him by the neck and slammed him to the ground,'' Randy Goepfert, 36, said Tuesday.
It is reported Goepfert managed to contain the deer in a closed off room until authorities arrived and tranquilized it.
Authorities said they euthanized the animal because of injuries it sustained.
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Museum covers up nude mummies
Some patrons and historians say the museum's move is unnecessary and makes a joke of the mummy exhibit, the Daily Mail reported Wednesday.
"This is totally preposterous. Surely people realize that if they go to see Egyptian remains some of them may not be dressed in their best bib and tucker," museum patron Josh Lennon said.
Museum officials have defended their move and say it was prompted by public complaints.
"We get a regular stream of feedback from people saying it is insensitive to display unwrapped mummies. We are trying to follow government guidelines about how they should be displayed with respect and sensitivity," said Nick Merriman, director at the
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Museum covers up nude mummies
Some patrons and historians say the museum's move is unnecessary and makes a joke of the mummy exhibit, the Daily Mail reported Wednesday.
"This is totally preposterous. Surely people realize that if they go to see Egyptian remains some of them may not be dressed in their best bib and tucker," museum patron Josh Lennon said.
Museum officials have defended their move and say it was prompted by public complaints.
"We get a regular stream of feedback from people saying it is insensitive to display unwrapped mummies. We are trying to follow government guidelines about how they should be displayed with respect and sensitivity," said Nick Merriman, director at the
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I'll Check
I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew, Dewey, having a snack.
"Where's your mother?" I asked.
"She said she was going to have a shower. Just a second, I'll check."
Dewey went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast.
An indignant yell came from above.
Dewey calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yep, she's in the shower."
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"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has
endowed us with sense, reason and intellect has intended us
to forgo their use." --Galileo Galilei
***
"There are two kinds of people who never amount to much:
those who cannot do what they are told, and those who can
do nothing else." --Cyrus Curtis
***
"The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you
should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid
with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is
absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person."
--P. J. O'Rourke
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Early in the Civil War, when the Union armies were suffering
repeated defeats, Abraham Lincoln was discussing the war
situation with his cabinet.
"How many men do you estimate are in the Confederate army?"
a cabinet member asked.
"About a million and a half," said
"That many?" said another member. "I thought the number was
considerably less."
"So did I," said
lose a battle, he insists that he was outnumbered three to
one - and we have about 500,000 men."
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The local high school has a policy that the parents must call
the school if a student is to be absent for the day.
deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends.
So she waited until her parents had left for work and called
the school herself.
"Hi, I'm calling to report that
to school today because she is ill."
Secretary at high school answered, "I'm sorry to hear that.
I'll note her absence. Who is this calling please?"
"This is my mother."
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Out of Gas
The young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help.
Finally two men walked up to her. "I'm out of gas," she
purred. "Could you please push me to the gas station?"
The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it
several blocks. After a while, one looked up, exhausted, to
see that they had just passed a filling station.
"How come you didn't turn in?" he yelled.
"I never go there," the girl shouted back. "They don't have
full service."
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Dodge City
A cowboy had been in the saloon for a long time and decided that it was time, once again to head for the hills. He walked through the swing doors and immediately noticed that his horse had disappeared from the rail.
"OK" he said, re-entering the crowded bar "I,m gonna have one more drink and if my horse ain't back by then, the same thing will happen here that happened in Dodge City."
With that several of the cowboys ran out of the saloon and within minutes one had returned to tell him that they'd found his horse for him. As he turned to leave the bartender stopped him.
"Excuse me stranger" he said, "but what happened in
The cowboy replied: "I had to walk home!"