Friday, May 09, 2008

hUMOR For May 9th

Computer Lab Pranks

- Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my gosh! They've found me!" and bolt.

- Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

- When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.

- Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

- Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.

- Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

- Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

- Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

- Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

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Agony

What is the definition of Agony?

A one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy toes.

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Bad Golfer

Jim was 26 over par by the eighth hole, had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough, when his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt. Jim exploded.

"You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.

"I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."

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Password

A guy was typing away at his home computer, when his six- year-old daughter sneaked up behind him.

Suddenly, she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"

"What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly.

Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

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Missing Wallet

Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."

There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"

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Old Me

A man was taken to court for stealing an item from a store. The man said to the judge, "Your Honor, I'm a Christian. I've become a new man. But I have and old nature also. It was not my new man who did wrong. It was my old man."

The judge responded, "Since it was the old man that broke the law, we'll sentence him to 60 days in jail. And since the new man was an accomplice in the theft, we'll give him 30 days, too. I therefore sentence you both to 90 days in jail."

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Four Things

What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?

They are four ways you can lose your house!

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Sandwiches

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

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Once upon a time, a Sultan was blessed with the birth of a son after years of
hoping. The boy immediately became the apple of his father's eye.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan said to him, 'Son, I love you very much. Your birthday is coming soon. What would you like?'

His son replied, 'Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane.' His father bought him American Airlines.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan said, 'Son, you are my pride and joy. Ask what you want for your birthday. Whatever it is, it's yours.

His son replied, 'Daddy, I would like a boat.' His father bought him the Princess Cruise Line.

Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan said, 'Son, you
bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you.'

His son replied, 'Daddy , I would like to be able to watch cartoons.'

His father bought him Disney Studios.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan said, 'Son, you are my life. Your birthday is coming soon. Ask what you wish. I will get it for you.'

His son, who had grown to love Disney, replied, 'Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit and a Goofy outfit'

His father bought him the Democratic Party and CBS news.

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Weird News

Thief reaches heights for copper wire

DULUTH, Minn. (UPI) -- A thief or thieves climbed 360 feet up a cell phone tower for 900 feet of copper wire worth $400 at a recycler, police in Duluth, Minn., say.

That's little more than a $1 a foot vertically or $2.25 a foot of wire, depending on how you look at it.

"I can't believe that," Tracy Broin, general manager at Arrowhead Tennis and Athletic Center where the tower is located, told the Duluth News Tribune. "It's not unusual to see people up there, but not trying to cut down stuff."

Duluth Deputy Police Chief Mike Tusken said the theft discovered last week is only the latest incident of what has become a prevalent problem the past three years, the Tribune reported Wednesday.

"We've had copper stolen from construction sites. We've had full spools being stolen from Minnesota Power. We've had it torn out and stripped out of walls of homes," Tusken said. "Spools of copper are like gold. If they can lift it and get it out, they will. They will knock down fences with trucks to get it out."

While the stolen wire is only worth about $400 if sold to a salvage yard, it will cost $6,000 to replace it on the cell phone tower.

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Prisoner scaled jail wall

MALMO, Sweden (UPI) -- A Malmo, Sweden, prison has come under fire after it emerged that a prisoner with mountain climbing experience scaled a prison wall.

The prisoner, who had trained for five years to become a mountain climber, successfully scaled the wall of the institution, but was caught 20 minutes later by a guard with a police dog, Swedish News Agency TT reported Wednesday.

Swedish Prison and Probation Service investigators have placed blame for the January incident on individual guards and the facility's overall security procedures.

"It (the escape) was far too easy and went far too quickly," the investigators said in a report.
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Children's book explains plastic surgery

BAL HARBOUR, Fla. (UPI) -- A Bal Harbour, Fla., plastic surgeon has authored a book designed to help mothers undergoing plastic surgery to explain the process to their young children.

Dr. Michael Salzhauer said he decided to author "My Beautiful Mommy" after he noticed the majority of his clientele is now comprised of young mothers seeking tummy tucks, breast lifts and other elective procedures, the New York Sun reported Wednesday.

"You see, as I got older, my body stretched and I couldn't fit into my clothes anymore. Dr. Michael is going to fix that and make me feel better," the mother in the book explains to her young daughter.

However, some parents said they would not want their children exposed to the subject matter.

"I'm concerned it promotes the wrong values," said Dennis Gault, 42, an elementary school teacher and father of a 9-year-old daughter. "I want to pass on the values of compassion and empathy. I want my daughter to be thinking about global issues -- not 'Is my stomach flat enough?'"

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Poorest Preacher

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When

I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers

we've ever had."