Hot Smell
It was a really hot day at the office. The air conditioning was out and there were about 20 people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.
All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelt. One man said, "Uh oh, someone's deodorant isn't working."
Vern replied, "It can't be me. I'm not wearing any."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Paul Top Ten"
TOP TEN THINGS THE APOSTLE PAUL WOULD HAVE DONE IF HE HAD A PC
10. Download MP3's of the Righteous Brothers for entertainment while on those long, tedious missionary journeys
9. Visit WebMD.com about that persistent pain in flesh
8. Spiritual armor would include virus protection software
7. "To live is Christ, to die is to have a 28K modem"
6. Book boat tickets using Priceline.com
5. E-mail pictures of Peter eating pork to the gang back in
4. Church officers: Pastor, Elder, Deacon, System Administrator
3. Use decryption software to interpret tongues
2. Describe conversion experience as the "Divine Reboot"
1. Add Spam to list of cardinal sins
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanQuote
"We can put television in its proper light by supposing that Gutenberg's great invention had been directed at printing only comic books."
- Robert M. Hutchins
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Illustration - "Decision"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions.
"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"
The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."
"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Six Again
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and
off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every
ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of
Fear everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of
the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.
Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big
Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it
was off to a movie - the latest sci-fi epic, and hot dogs, popcorn,
Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He
leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being
six again?"
One eye opened and she said, "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually
listening, he will still get it wrong.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Service Bill
Harry, a TV repairman, was called to fix a television set
that had neither sound nor picture. Left alone in the room,
Harry spotted the cause immediately: the set was unplugged.
Harry faced a dilemma -- one part of him said he shouldn't
charge the woman while the other insisted he be paid for his
time.
Finally, he presented her with a minimum-charge service
bill, which read, "Restored isolated connecting cable to
primary power source. $25."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Good reason
A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
“There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…..Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
“It’s been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, I don’t need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”
The guy thinks about it for a second and says, “Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”
“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Monster Valentine
Boy Monster: Did you get the big red heart I sent you for Valentine's?
Girl Monster: Yes, I did. Thank you.
Boy Monster: Is it still beating?
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Give the Lawyer a Hand
A young trial lawyer was defending a man accused of burglary, known for being witty (and the judge knows this) tried yet another one of his creative defenses. The judge, while not known for having a sense of humor, decided to here the young lawyer out.
“While my client admits he did, in fact, reach his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. However his arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by just his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he so chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Divorced Barbie
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00.”
The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?”
“That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"There were rumors that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got
married yesterday. Thank God they weren't true. It means
I've still got a chance." -Craig Ferguson
***
"In a stunning announcement, Pennsylvania Senator Bob Casey
Jr., who had said he would remain neutral, has endorsed
Barack Obama. He said he did it because his four young
daughters told him they wanted Obama for president. Which
also explains his choice for vice president: Hannah Montana."
-Jay Leno
***
"This week, Barack Obama tried bowling. His score was a
terrible 37. Afterwards, Obama told the press, 'That's it —
no more white guy sports for me.'" --Conan O'Brien
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
At work, my dad noticed that the name of an employee was the
same as an old friend. He found the man's e-mail address in
the company directory and sent him a message.
When Dad received a reply, he was insulted and fired back
another e-mail:
"I have put on some weight, but I didn't realize it was that
noticeable!"
His friend's hastily typed message, with an apparent typo,
had read:
"Hi, Ron. I didn't know you worked here, but I did see a gut
that looked like you in the cafeteria."