I am having eye surgery Monday Aug. 6th. At this time I am not sure how many days I will be unable to post daily hUMOR, but I assure you it won't be long
Dan
Sunday, August 05, 2007
hUMOR For Aug 5th
"Beware of the young doctor and the old barber." Benjamin Franklin
+++++++++++++++++++
Spelling Information
"Hello, Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company." "Would you spell that, please?" "Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you." "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."
+++++++++++++++++++
That's Not It
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ethical Dilemma
A lawyer charged a man $1,000 for legal services. The man paid him in cash with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100. The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?
+++++++++++++++++++
Buddha
Knock Knock! Who's there?Buddha.Buddha who?Buddha this slice of bread for me
+++++++++++++++++++
A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at
the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as
she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you."
"Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone.
"No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different
ministers and each new one has been worse than the last."
+++++++++++++++++++
After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church
saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful
person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon
reminded me of the peace and love of God."
The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my
preaching before. Tell me why."
"Because it endured forever."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Arabs and Jews should settle their differences like good Christians." -
Warren Austin, U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations in 1948
+++++++++++++++++++
"Tournament Weather"
Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering.
"Preacher," the organizer said, "I trust you'll see to it that the weather won't turn bad on us."
Our pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm sales, not management!
+++++++++++++++++++
"The former mayor of Newark, N.J., has been indicted on
corruption charges. If he's found guilty he'll have to serve
five years in prison, or 10 years in Newark." -Conan O'Brien
***
"I read in the paper that by the year 2015, obesity will be
the leading cause of death. Especially for the person on the
bottom." -Jay Leno
***
"So many riders in the Tour de France have been tossed out
because of drugs, the overall leader is the delivery guy
from Empire Szechuan." --Dave Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
A guy walks into a bookstore. Not looking for anything in
particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots
something of interest. A book with a very interesting
title, "Dating for the New Millennium. What Women Want."
So he picks it up and opens it to a random page.
"Chapter 1 The First Date."
He glances the chapter over for a few minutes, and rushes
out of the bookstore to call a girl he's wanted to ask out
for quite a while.
When he gets home, picks up the phone and calls her. She
answers, "Hello?"
He says, "Hi, Jessica? Listen, I was wondering if you would
want to go see a movie with me tonight?"
She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that." He
gets excited. He thought she'd say, "No Way!" but she
didn't. So, he decided to take it one step further.
He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?"
She replies, "Sure, that would be great too!"
"Fine, I'll pick you up about 9, you should be finished
eating by then."
+++++++++++++++++++
A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory
prayer. "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a
rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are
but dust..."
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient
daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned
over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl
voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Through the years I've noticed that conscience gets a lot of credit that
really belongs to cold feet.
+++++++++++++++++++
Stuffed Pockets
A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?" "At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly, "They have bowls of it."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Common Bum
A robust-looking gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the alley like a common bum?" "I'm very sorry sir..." began the contrite headwaiter. "Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again..."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two doilies
As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it. For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you." Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice. "What's the $82,500 for?" he asked. "Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the doilies."
+++++++++++++++++++
Keep Your Seat
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat. A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up. Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."
+++++++++++++++++++
Spelling Information
"Hello, Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company." "Would you spell that, please?" "Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you." "Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."
+++++++++++++++++++
That's Not It
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ethical Dilemma
A lawyer charged a man $1,000 for legal services. The man paid him in cash with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100. The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?
+++++++++++++++++++
Buddha
Knock Knock! Who's there?Buddha.Buddha who?Buddha this slice of bread for me
+++++++++++++++++++
A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at
the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as
she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you."
"Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone.
"No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different
ministers and each new one has been worse than the last."
+++++++++++++++++++
After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church
saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful
person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon
reminded me of the peace and love of God."
The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my
preaching before. Tell me why."
"Because it endured forever."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Arabs and Jews should settle their differences like good Christians." -
Warren Austin, U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations in 1948
+++++++++++++++++++
"Tournament Weather"
Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering.
"Preacher," the organizer said, "I trust you'll see to it that the weather won't turn bad on us."
Our pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm sales, not management!
+++++++++++++++++++
"The former mayor of Newark, N.J., has been indicted on
corruption charges. If he's found guilty he'll have to serve
five years in prison, or 10 years in Newark." -Conan O'Brien
***
"I read in the paper that by the year 2015, obesity will be
the leading cause of death. Especially for the person on the
bottom." -Jay Leno
***
"So many riders in the Tour de France have been tossed out
because of drugs, the overall leader is the delivery guy
from Empire Szechuan." --Dave Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
A guy walks into a bookstore. Not looking for anything in
particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots
something of interest. A book with a very interesting
title, "Dating for the New Millennium. What Women Want."
So he picks it up and opens it to a random page.
"Chapter 1 The First Date."
He glances the chapter over for a few minutes, and rushes
out of the bookstore to call a girl he's wanted to ask out
for quite a while.
When he gets home, picks up the phone and calls her. She
answers, "Hello?"
He says, "Hi, Jessica? Listen, I was wondering if you would
want to go see a movie with me tonight?"
She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that." He
gets excited. He thought she'd say, "No Way!" but she
didn't. So, he decided to take it one step further.
He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?"
She replies, "Sure, that would be great too!"
"Fine, I'll pick you up about 9, you should be finished
eating by then."
+++++++++++++++++++
A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory
prayer. "Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a
rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are
but dust..."
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient
daughter (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned
over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl
voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Through the years I've noticed that conscience gets a lot of credit that
really belongs to cold feet.
+++++++++++++++++++
Stuffed Pockets
A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?" "At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly, "They have bowls of it."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Common Bum
A robust-looking gentleman ate a fine meal at an expensive restaurant and topped it off with some Napoleon brandy, then he summoned the headwaiter. "Do you recall," he asked pleasantly, "how a year ago, I ate just such a repast here and then, because I couldn't pay for it, you had me thrown into the alley like a common bum?" "I'm very sorry sir..." began the contrite headwaiter. "Oh, it's quite all right." said the guest, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again..."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two doilies
As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it. For 50 years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you." Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice. "What's the $82,500 for?" he asked. "Oh, well that's the money I've made selling the doilies."
+++++++++++++++++++
Keep Your Seat
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat. A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up. Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."
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