HERE’S A DOUBLE DOSE OF hUMOR SINCE I WASN’T ABLE TO POST ANY YESTERDAY.
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Gabie-isms
Some interesting contributions (Gabie-isms) from Julie Q's
five-year-old.
Said while walking into Walgreens drugstore.
"Man, when are they ever going to get around to painting
this place? The walls are still white -- not green!"
Gabie on the true meaning of President's Day:
"If we're gone on present's day will we still get the
presents?"
Gabie the mathematician:
Here's a new number I invented: Ten-ty. It's another word
for a hundred. Ten-ty is a little more than ninety.
Gourmet Gabie
Gabie: I'm going to make your sandwich today Mom. I have a
new recipe -- and you're really going to like it -- it's
called a peanut butter, honey, bologna, tuna sandwich.
Mom: Uh, sounds great Gabie, but I think I'm already making
my own sandwich, so I'll pass.
Gabie: But Mom it's not a pain to make at all. And it's my
yummiest sandwich ever. You might even get addicted to it.
That means you want it all the time.
Mom: (thinking there's little chance of developing a peanut
butter, honey, bologna, tuna addiction, but you never can be
too careful) No thanks Gabie.
Gabie (persistent as ever): If you like it you can make it
on your own. But you might need a little bit of help, so
I'll help you with it. I'm the only one who knows how much
to put in it. And which side to put the peanut butter on. It
has to go on a certain side.
Mom (half annoyed, half amused): Listen Gabriel, I don't
think I would like those ingredients together. Thanks for
offering, but I really truly do not want a peanut butter,
honey, bologna, tuna sandwich
Gabie: But how do you KNOW you won't like it if you've never
tried it?!?
[Help! He's using my own logic against me. It's hopeless. Do
I give in like a coward and let him make the darn sandwich,
take a few nibbles off the edges while he glows with pride
and then dispose of the rest when he trots off to watch
Sesame Street? You betcha.]
10 minutes into the drive to Arizona, from the back of the
van:
"Vacations are just like being home, only better."
[Sometimes I think Gabie is a walking t-shirt slogan.]
After getting a few cactus pricklies in his ankle:
"Mom, this injury is pretty serious. I think I'm going to
need a cast and a handicapped parking pass."
At the Body Worlds exhibit (where real human bodies are on
display for anatomical study):
Mom (pointing to another body and wondering if this was a
good place to bring a 5 year old, even if he is rather
precocious and really fascinated with the human body and
wants to be a doctor someday): So what do you think of this
one Gabie?
Gabie: I think that man was very unlucky.
Mom: Why was he unlucky?
Gabie: Because he's dead.
Later at the same exhibit:
"They'd better hurry up and finish with this man's body so
they can put it back in his grave where it belongs."
And the one I saved because I just should have seen it
coming but I didn't and it totally made me snort:
Gabie: Hey, lets all have some pudding.
Mom: Sorry buddy. We can't have pudding right now, it's
lunchtime.
Gabie: But I want some pudding. We could each have a
different flavor.
Mom: No Gabie. It's lunchtime.
Gabie: Oh, alright... Then can I choose what we have for
lunch?
Mom: Sure. What should we have for lunch?
Gabie: Pudding.
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Eating Healthy
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to see the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with different cuisine from all over the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.
"That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!"
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Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
"You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"
The driver said, "No problem. Have at it." Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law... But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person." The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?" The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president." The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that." The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?" The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"
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Oneliner
This is precisely the sort of thing that people who like this sort of thing will like.
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CleanPun - "Pullover Question"
Atlanta State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-75.
He says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
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Report CardVernon Allen Sr.to Vernie Allen after Vernie’s English exam: "Let me see your report card."Vernie replied "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
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"Comic-Con, the world’s largest comic book convention, starts
today in San Diego. It’s a four-day celebration of comics and
science fiction. Convention organizers are expecting 125,000
people this year. Three of those people are projected to be
female. Two of them are just moms dropping off their sons and
the other one's named Pat." -Craig Ferguson
***
"I read this in the paper today: A restaurant in West
Virginia is selling a 10-pound hamburger. It comes with
lettuce, tomato, and an organ donor card." -Jay Leno
***
"Researchers at Johns Hopkins University are predicting that
75 percent of Americans will be overweight by the year 2015.
But my fellow Americans, with a little team work, I think
we can do it by 2010. USA! USA!" -Conan O'Brien
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I went into the greasy spoon next to the office and ordered
a tuna on wheat. The waitress said, "Oh, I'm sorry, we're
out of wheat bread. You’ll have to have it on white."
The next day I went to the same place and ordered the same
tuna on wheat. Again she told me they were out of wheat,
I’d have to get it on white.
The third time I went there I decided to skip the step of
being refused the wheat and just ordered tuna on white. The
waitress looked up from her notepad and said, "Aren't you
the guy who usually orders it on wheat?"
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The big San Francisco earthquake occurred on April 18, 1906.
The accompanying fire caused more than 500 deaths. It was
the worst earthquake disaster in U. S. history as well as
the deadliest urban fire. A few years ago, when the big quake
hit the Los Angeles area, part of the damage included the
totaling of a car belonging to a tourist who had driven in
from out of state.
When he put in the claim to his insurance company, they re-
jected it. When asked why the claim was not covered, the
Insurance company said it was because the tourist had a no-
fault policy. Angry about the insurance company's decision,
the policyholder tried to start a citizen's organization to
fight this kind of rip-off from happening again. He called
it the San Andreas Fund.
However nothing came of it. Hardly anyone would contribute
to aid the fund in its efforts. The general feeling was that
charity is one thing, but this was being generous to a fault.
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Translation Oops
A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use
a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted
to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little
early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for
ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to
the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at
the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words.
When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up
and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had
offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood
him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish he said,
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the
entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that
he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"
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What's for Dinner?
I have my changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie." However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes. If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food." My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.
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The Toaster Oven
One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted. "I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box. "Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual is burnt to a crisp."
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Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman
A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others. By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. "I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000."
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The Coma
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. "When I got fired, you were there to support me." "When my business failed, you were there." "When I got shot, you were by my side." "When we lost the house, you stayed right here." When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck."
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Quasimodo comes home from work one night and his wife has made a delicious
stir-fry.
"Great!" he says.
Next night he comes home from work, and it's stir-fry again.
"Just as delicious as last night," he says.
Next night, stir-fry again. "Tastes great, but I'm getting kind of sick of
stir-fry again," he says.
Next night, stir-fry again. "Listen," he says, "tomorrow make whatever you
want, as long as it's not stir-fry."
Next day he leaves work early, after asking an assistant to ring vespers for
him, so that he can catch her before she begins cooking. He walks in the
front door and there she is, taking the wok down off the rack.
"Aha!" he says. "You're going to make stir-fry again!"
"Don't be silly," she says. "I'm going to iron your shirts."
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"What do you mean by coming home half drunk?" screamed the angry wife.
"It's not my fault. I ran out of money," said the husband.
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"My father invented the burglar alarm - which unfortunately was stolen from
him." - Victor Borge